Crucify Ambition

Though it doesn't always reveal itself due to my personality, I have always been an ambitious person. I set high goals for myself, and by default seek to constantly gain influence and respect and admiration in circumstances and social settings I deem appropriate. But the call to missions, and what is more, the call to follow Christ, requires that I surrender these ambitions. It is a kind of death. But no part of me is dying that can stand in the presence of God.

Nevertheless, a peculiar temptation began rearing its head a few years ago, one that I had not previously experienced.

It primarily revealed itself after certain invitations... to Singapore, to Hong Kong, to Los Angeles, to the World Cup next year in Brazil. Conversations with more than one person about touring Europe. I began to realize I had reached a certain traveling status and acquired a few of the sort of friends to whom these things are fairly normal. For a cash-strapped seminary student and then support-raising missionary, however, obviously none of these things were financially possible, and that fact began to weigh on me heavily. It has been observed that missionaries are a strange subculture in that they tend to be well-educated, well-traveled, yet poor. (Typically the latter precludes either one or both of the former.)

The temptation was never to abandon missions for a more lucrative career; I love Taiwan and am excited about my calling and future ministry there, and having started down the path of career missions I have never considered forsaking the call. But a strong sense of discouragement and discontentment began to steal my joy. Surely it was unfair somehow, that I had joined the crowd of those aware of the more interesting places in the world, the globally well-connected sort, and yet had to continually decline to join them on their trips, which for me would have been once-in-a-lifetime opportunities?

These invitations also tapped into a deep desire I have to move continually into more influential or relevant parts of the world. It's a little hard to explain, but basically I have realized that I have a default tendency to seek out, like a moth to a candle, those places from which culture and influence are generated. It's wanting to be in the middle of where "things are happening," in the global sense, and these opportunities I was starting to encounter were a ticket right into that world.

Additionally, in a way that C.S.Lewis has captured very accurately in the Screwtape Letters and his descriptions of the temptation of the "inner ring," these invitations fed my pride by demonstrating that I had "made it" into a higher social level. They didn't have to invite me. Clearly they wanted me along, which meant I was considered good company by the sort who could choose their own company easily enough. And for an introverted homeschooler from Tennessee/Alabama, being invited on fun trans-oceanic trips by traveled and moneyed people your own age does wonders for one's self-image and self-confidence.

Of course... the problem is that this is also the self that must be put to death.
As the great German martyr Dietrich Bonhoeffer said:

"When Christ calls a man, He bids him come and die. It may be a death like that of the first disciples who had to leave home and work to follow Him, or it may be a death like Luther’s, who had to leave the monastery and go out into the world. But it is the same death every time—death in Jesus Christ, the death of the old man at his call.” (The Cost of Discipleship)

There is simply no room in that call for self-centered ambition. My desire to travel around the world having entertaining experiences with friends is not wrong in and of itself, but it must be taken captive and laid at the foot of the cross. When it can steal my joy, it has not been made subject to Christ. When I occasionally feel a longing for that kind of life, it is a sign I am not finding my satisfaction in the One from whom all blessings come. God has indeed granted me the opportunity to visit many places thus far, and it seems likely I will visit many more. But on His terms, and in His time, and for His glory.

I'm thankful to be able to say that God one day graciously granted me the key to defeating this sort of temptation. One day, as I was struggling with negative thoughts about this whole situation and especially how my lack of resources was preventing me from accepting a traveling invitation from an attractive single friend, God quite suddenly reminded me that I wouldn't be as traveled, wouldn't have made the friends I've made, and would not only not have access to these kinds of opportunities but wouldn't even be aware of them, had it not been for His leading me to Taiwan over these past 8 years and the changes that has made in my life. That pretty much axed the whole temptation. It's very difficult to be depressed over perceived missed opportunities which are only possible because of God's blessings, once one is aware of that fact.

Your idea of self-fulfillment might not be traveling to influential places, and the "inner circle" you want to be a part of may not be the same as mine. But we all struggle with ambition and the desire to live the life we perceive as fulfilling and enjoyable, to live for ourselves instead of becoming the living sacrifices Paul talks about in Romans 12. Maybe the key I mentioned above will be helpful for you; don't forget that if you find yourself reaching for selfish goals, you can only see them because of the blessings you stand upon.

Self-actualization is at the top of Maslow's hierachy, but it must be laid at the foot of the cross. Our most basic identity is not forged by ourselves through life's experiences, but defined by our Creator. The more we recognize this, the less of an identity crisis we will experience as the call of Christ leads farther and farther from the worldly path so many others have chosen to follow.

There is a song by Jeff Johnson, "Ruin Me," which puts the decision we are faced with rather straightforwardly. If you're not already familiar with it, take a listen...