An INTP on the Mission Field: Stuck in a Rut - Which Wheel needs a Branch?

Thanks for your Comments:

I have been encouraged by the positive comments some people have been leaving on earlier posts. It turns out there isn't much online for Christian INTPs. But yes, we do exist, and no, being creatures of logic doesn't mean we can't be believers in a God the worship of whom, given His existence, is not only logical, but the only sane course of action. Everything rides on the question of whether you first assume God, or first assume No-God; logic will take you in two different directions from that point, but to stick with the second assumption you must close your eyes to wider reality (general revelation), dismiss the faith of all believers throughout history along with the testimony of Christian scripture (special revelation), and reject any instances of God doing unusual things in your life to suggest His existence. Following up on any one of those would bring one to the point where logic suggested atheism was untenable, and one would either need to flee to the refuge of agnosticism or follow the journey of evidence and faith to its conclusion, as many atheists in history have in fact done. (C.S.Lewis being an obvious high profile example, but there are others)

Also, though some cast aspersion on the Myers-Briggs test for being "unscientific," etc, it has turned out to be a very helpful thing in the internet age, in that all of us people who are a certain way now have a name for ourselves and can find each other. Yes we all have our individual differences, but when someone is describing themselves in the context of being an INTP and you say to yourself, "Yes, exactly, so I'm not the only one!" then you know you have something of value in a categorization that allows that to happen. And I suspect it is not only INTPs who have that kind of experience.

1. Spinning our Wheels

Being both intuitive and logical types, INTPs are very capable of taking information from a wide variety of sources and suddenly arriving at valuable insights or conclusions on topics that may not be obviously related to the source material.

So, when confronted with a challenge in life, we tend to try to pull from our collection of data and observations and intuit a solution to it. Finding a creative solution which makes an apparently difficult problem simple is very fun, if nothing else, and feeling that every situation is both similar to others and unique in its own way, I tend to not want to apply a "standard" solution but either customize it to fit the particular context, or come up with an entirely new approach altogether. (This is somewhat useful on the mission field, since a lot of problems one encounters really are unique, or previous solutions are unusable because what worked in the past for a particular set of people in a particular context isn't a viable solution for here and now)

There are two weaknesses that arise from our intuitive problem-solving tendencies, however.

A. Being satisfied with a theoretical solution

The first is well known, and not limited only to INTPs; the idea that once a solution has been arrived at, the actual doing of it is left as an exercise for the interested student. You may have heard the joke about the three academics (usually a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician) who, caught in a fire, all figure out how to escape, but one dies because having solved the problem of how to put out the fire he considers himself successful. Yet the fire still rages, despite a perfectly good solution now existing.

INTPs can fall into the same trap: I have on multiple occasions felt out of shape, and began googling exercise plans, seeking to get behind this or that plan and understand an "essential" workout might be in terms of an average human body, and thus arrive at the most efficient workout in terms of not needing to spend a lot of time on it but seeing adequate results (living in our heads, perhaps some of us begrudge our body the proper maintenance time it requires). But having done so, less than half of the time did I actually make an effort to put that basic, efficient exercise plan into action. The fact that I'd located and grasped the core physiological principles required for a brief and efficient workout seemed like winning half the battle, when it was really only a preparation for a battle I never ended up fighting.

The knowing of a thing is not the doing of it, and the essence of a workout is not understanding the essence of a workout, it's doing the workout, imperfectly and when you don't feel like it, over and over. (Something I'm terrible at, because I want to to do everything "in the flow" and workouts rarely start with that feeling and only sometimes end up achieving it)

Either way, whether the problem is academic, or concerns our work, our life, our interpersonal relationships, or all of the above, the result is that we remain where we are, and don't move forward.

B. Getting trapped in a vicious cycle

The other problem, and a nastier one, is when we are unable to quickly intuit a creative solution to a problem, and began to fixate on it. We assume there is some missing piece of information which, if put into the mix, would recalibrate everything and a solution would magically emerge as it so often does. And when that happens it's a beautiful feeling, but often it simply doesn't. (It especially doesn't when it's an interpersonal problem.)

Like a car with tires in the mud, in that situation throwing more mental resources at the problem, focusing more intensely on it, often only makes things worse. The problem begins to loom large in our psyche, and though some INTPs might do their best thinking under stress, I suspect for many of us this is not the case. For those of us prone to getting mentally flustered, the effort thrown at figuring out a problem might become more or less totally unproductive, just churning processor cycles, spinning our wheels fruitlessly.

We might try to thrust the problem aside, to think about other things, but it's there, like a dead mouse under a hard-to-move bookshelf, sending a vague odor that makes us feel guilty for not solving the issue but not guilty enough to start taking all the books out of the shelves just to get at the rodent corpse. And like a bad odor, the-problem-we-can't-figure-out will taint our mental life if we let it run unabated.

As before, we can pretend to ignore the problem while subconsciously continuing to be stressed about it, or we can obsess over it, but either way we are stuck.

2. Actually Pragmatic Lateral Thinking

Perhaps I am simply a wimpy example of an INTP, but sometimes in these situations I find myself wishing or hoping I might simply find a way around the problem. Being clever and creative, I am quite good at this, but in the end the one I'm outsmarting is myself. The problems that bring us INTPs up short and without solutions are precisely those kinds of problems that we have to figure out how to solve to continue achieving personal growth. And if our eternal side project is not personal growth but, somewhat relentlessly, the pursuit of the theory of everything and how its all related to itself, we will find that personal growth actually serves this objective as well. (We can perceive more standing on higher ground)

Wanting to get in better shape, I once agreed to a friendly bench-pressing competition with some coworkers, back when I was a programmer. I started out pretty weak, and never got to impressive weights, but was pleased after a while to be benching 110% of my bodyweight. At that point I hit a frustrating plateau, where more effort on the bench seemed not to translate into more results. After talking to more experienced lifters, I began to realize that, as someone who hadn't been doing this long, nor being particularly robust, I needed to strengthen my whole body before my bench started improving again. I'd maxed out my short-term capabilities, and needed to grow stronger overall before more effort in a particular exercise was going to be effective.

Very often, for INTPs (or anyone), we need to stop pushing forward obsessively and do some lateral thinking. Lateral thinking should be a strongpoint of INTPs, so it's a bit ironic that we rarely follow that logic when it comes to our own lives.

For a more specific example, in studying Chinese I was finding myself hitting a plateau, or even losing confidence with the level of Chinese I had already attained. I tried berating myself, tried concentrating harder, nothing helped significantly. But then I started taking vitamins due to other health issues, and suddenly the problem resolved itself, and I felt like I'd suddenly remembered to release the emergency brake. My mental cloudiness was seemingly the result of a nutrient deficiency. Thinking harder didn't help at all, but a little vitamin pill after lunch with some magnesium helped considerably.


[N.B. If you have the gift of a higher abstract level of self-awareness, as I suspect INTPs typically do, then you are already ahead of the game because you are capable of a high level of metamotivation; the ability to regulate and coordinate your behavior in support of long-term goals. There is no inherent conflict between this tendency and your walk with God, it simply means you have to submit yourself to God very intentionally to ensure you are not undermining your walk with God with self-serving goals. (Maslow was a smart man, but his theory is inherently flawed since he rejects the idea of a sin nature) High levels of self-actualization are something like a human version of sanctification, and thus while it is a good thing, it should never be confused with what only the Spirit can work in us, nor given de facto priority since it's something we can control. I'm seeing a lot of confusion of the two lately from the squishier side of evangelicalism, and it's as dangerous to those who are attracted to ideas like the power of positive thinking as it is annoying to those of us who find solace in Ecclesiastes.]

3. Don't just lower a Window; Get out, Look at the Car, and Figure out which Wheel needs a Branch thrown under it for Traction

So, INTP or not, if you find yourself in a wheels-spinning-in-the-mud situation, don't just keep mashing the accelerator. Even if you are blessed with a mental V10, no traction means you're not going anywhere. In the worst case, you'll just run out of gas or set your tires on fire. Now, it's pretty common to suggest "you just need to shift your focus," but I'm not just talking about taking a walk or doing something random to distract yourself. I don't know about you, but I can't fool myself with that kind of thing, I'll just obsess over my problems on my walk too, etc. Or if I successfully distract myself during the nice walk, the problems wait patiently until the evening grows late, to arrive just in time to induce insomnia.

Instead, think laterally with regards to your own life, and be prepared to make changes. If you find yourself unable to rise to a particular challenge, your problem may not be a lack of mental effort or ability. Take a look at your current condition of life instead. One or more of your wheels aren't getting traction, which means your mind is stuck in a rut too, until everything gets moving again.

Emotional and mental and physical health are all tied together, and spiritual health affects all of these as well. Whether you are a dichotomist (body, soul) or trichotomist (body, soul, spirit) or octochotomist (who knows), humans were created with a body and meant to have one. Our existence after death as spirits awaiting final judgement and the new beginning of all things (whether in glory or in shame, with God or having rejected Him and existing in isolation from Him, which truly is hell), is actually an artificial and temporary state of affairs. In the new earth we will have bodies, just as Christ did. So while quotes like "You don't have a soul, you are a soul; you have a body." which C.S.Lewis never said, are popular, in one sense they are not biblical, or at least they are too short-sighted. You will only temporarily not have a body; the eternal plan is that you will have a glorious one.

We are designed to function as a unified whole. So for INTPs, who tend to ponder and throw their mental circuitry at every problem, when we get stuck in a rut, or up against problems we can't think our way out of, the problem might not lie in a failure of thinking at all. Look for weaknesses in other wheels. Where is the slippage occurring? Get some traction there, and you may find everything else begins to move forward.

INTPs and Music

(This is Part 2 in my current series on INTPs and Christian ministry. Go here for Part 1.)

Intro (Important)

In some ways it's difficult to even write about music for me, rather like a bird trying to write about air density. I can't speak for all INTPs, but I suspect we have much of what I will share in common.

1. I should note here at the beginning that when I say "music" I mean 1) the music itself. Lyrics are another thing, which I'll mention if relevant. Depending on the song, they might "join with" the music to produce the effects I'll describe later, or they may stand apart from and be separable from it. 2) Not: this artist and that artist. To me that's like thinking about auto parts primarily according to which company makes them versus what they do in your car. ("I need to repair something on my car." "Ok, do you want a Nissan part, or a Honda part, or..?")

2. Another very important fact starting out is that INTPs, stereotyped as creatures of soulless (and tactless) logic, experience what I'd call the "revenge of the feelings." We don't "speak the language of emotion" well at all. (Being a guy this is more or less expected; I imagine it's more difficult for women) That's great when dispassionately analyzing something, or when having an argument where you find it easy to stay icy cool and the other person gets all blustery. But when the feelings do pop up, whether positive or negative, they tend to surge strongly and unstably and we don't know what to do with them. (This theory suggests that's the norm for INTPs, and that one of the reasons we're so skilled at rational thinking is that we had to become so, to reign in our own dialed-too-high emotions. The description is a little more exaggerated than my personal experience but some good stuff over there) INTPs can get a bit odd during these times. It's like we're intensely focused on reading an eyechart and then someone throws a bucket of blue paint on it. "T... Q... P... Blue. Blue. Blue? Blue!? *sigh* Blue... Blue everything."

As linked above, the INTPexperience website posits that it's not that we're robots
it's that we feel things too strongly and have to learn how to keep control with reason
It's an interesting chicken-and-egg problem, at least

So when I talk about "feelings" in this post, understand that's where we're coming from. Not because we're delicate snowflakes, but because finding quick and effective ways of dealing with unpredictable, disruptive feelings is an important issue for INTPs, and Music is probably our primary ally in this struggle.

Music: Some Personal Background

For INTPs, including myself, music is much more than just "something to listen to," something to provide a low level of mental stimulation to help alleviate boredom. (Even less is it primarily a background track for me to express myself by singing over) Rather, music itself and the act/process of listening to it is a primary and necessary means of self-expression. Sometimes it feels inseparable from the act of being conscious of the persistence of my own existence.

Thanks to parents who had me take lessons, I have played piano since childhood (I can read music, but rely more on my natural ability to play by ear). I actually play rather poorly, because I am doing too many things at any given time in my life to devote a lot of time to practicing. (And I tend to move on when I have a certain song down about 90%, which doesn't work when playing for other people) I realized years ago, however, that there was a strange paradox in my piano abilities. Ask me to play in a church service next Sunday for people to sing along and I will break out in cold sweat. I can possibly get through it without any mistakes, but it's extremely mentally taxing and requires disproportionate amounts of practicing beforehand. That kind of playing comes from a different place in my brain, one that is not very skilled. I can and have improved it by practice in the past, but the stress involved is worse than that of public speaking.

On the other hand, if I am improvising, I could go for half an hour regardless of whoever might be listening, easily weaving in chunks of those songs I am all but unable to perform "as written" if ordered to. Indeed, much of my problem with trying to perform music from rote memory is that my brain is constantly trying to be in improvisation mode instead, so it's almost impossible to just play what's on the sheet, which is what most people want from a non-professional musician. It seems that music performed as "rote" is weirdly difficult and stressful for me, like pushing against a mental block, but music that flows out naturally is not stressful at all, and people do seem to enjoy listening to the result.

Moving to Taiwan this time, I found myself initially living for several months without a piano. This was very difficult, because it meant one of my primary (as an INTP, there aren't many) means of emotional catharsis was denied to me. Yes I could listen to music, but I needed an outlet, a way to draw out the turbulence building inside as the pressure of a host of new cultural and social experiences mounted. Some people have very natural ways to let out this kind of emotional stress, but INTPs are not so fortunate, we need aids of some kind. When I recognize my emotional state is becoming noticeably disordered, sometimes I need to go hide and play whatever comes into my head for an hour, and though I don't understand how the process works, by the end I feel better. It's the musical equivalent of walking it off.

Now I am sure there are INTPs much more disciplined than me who have spent the necessary time to better train themselves to pour their musical self-expression into songs they have memorized and play according to the sheet. (Though it does seem the "too many irons in the fire to focus on one" problem is pretty common for INTPs)

But in general I am given to understand that a peculiarity of INTPs is that for us music is not something primarily external but reflective of our own inner emotional state. It's a means of sympathetically connecting with our own isolated Fe, perhaps because it entirely skips over the "does not compute" roadblock that INTPs encounter when trying to process their emotions and simply accesses those emotions directly. It is perhaps rather like someone asking an awkward person who actually does want/need to be hugged if they want a hug: if it depends on them, due to their awkwardness the hug is not likely to happen even though they want it, whereas just hugging them proactively would solve the problem.

Music itself does not ask permission to do what it does, it just rushes through the subterranean tunnels of our auditory nerves and pops up into the otherwise-heavily-guarded innermost parts of our minds and hugs us (or encourages us, or motivates us, or irritates us, or sedates us, or yells "on your feet, boy!" like a drill sergeant, or dances us down wet city streets under luminescent globes of multicolored light, or lures us out to bleak paths of monochromic solitude) without asking. That's the delight and beauty and usefulness and danger of it.

In case you were worried, yes I did solve my piano problem

"Existential resonance" and the Usefulness of Music

Music is a vital part of self expression for a INTP, but it's more than that, and I don't mean that in a "music is totally a huge part of my life" way. Our relationship with music is two-fold: we use music as a tool to efficiently manipulate or regulate our emotional/mental state, and also to reflect or express it, as a means to embody those difficult-to-analyze feelings so we can get a better look at them.

For example, we might wonder how to explain, say, "What it felt like on Monday morning at 7:10AM when I went out to my car and after several days of rain the air had been washed clean and now the morning sky was perfectly blue and I was aware of the rush of a sensation that an eternity of potential lay ahead into which I was constantly moving and for a moment I felt deeply alive and joyful at being so" using human language. A smell-memory might come close, but those tend to be narrower in scope. One is left using words to describe it, as I just have, and hope to evoke similar emotions in someone else. A good painting or well-taken photo might be able to do it as well, though visual art tends to be even more subjective.

But for me, the song Cyberbird is what represents and evokes that complicated and very specific emotional state fairly precisely. So if I perceive on a given day that I am feeling lethargic and melancholy and would benefit from feeling more like what that song represents for me, I might listen to that track. (If you follow the link you'll notice that the song is not in English. That's more or less irrelevant for what I'm describing, if anything it helps; lyrics you understand can be distracting. [Question for INTPs: Do you find yourself often listening to music with lyrics in languages you don't understand? That's never bothered me] Also, recognize that watching the video will influence the impression you get from the song, but listening to the song alone, you might be able to get a little of the impression I described)

This is what I mean by music being "useful" for INTPs. We use it music in an intentional way to achieve desired emotional states, and I am willing to bet good money that every INTP with access to the internet has a rich and complex mental -and probably also digital- set of playlists of songs which apply to different situations and can be used to push emotions in the desired direction. (For my readers: I would actually really like to hear some examples of what yours are, if you would be kind enough to share them below)

Of course everyone does this to some extent; there's a reason we have "workout mixes" or "pop hits from the X'ies." We all know music can evoke certain feelings in us; INTPs have just gotten this phenomenon down to a science and turned it up to 11, as it were. Rather than "energetic" or "calm" I have certain tracks for "that comfortable feeling of mental alacrity after sundown" or "pivoting away from melancholia to the warmth of a lonely sun-washed beach in a place I've never been before" or "wandering Taipei at night between the time the restaurants close and the subway stops running" I doubt we're the only ones who do this, but it seems consistent across the personality type.

In manipulating your own mental state you can only force it so far, of course; there has to be correspondence/resonance with your external state to achieve the desired effect on the internal state. So, say, I want to feel less sorrowful about something bad that has happened but it's a rainy night and no friends are available to talk to. Certain jazz tracks work perfectly for this, because they mesh perfectly with the current "noir-ish" external state but jazz tends to shortcircuit sorrowful feelings for me because it doesn't resolve, just like the sorrow is like a failure of life to "resolve" successfully, so there is catharsis.

I may still be sad about what happened -I may even want to be, as sadness is an appropriate and healthy response to tragedy- but my mood will have leveled out some, the overwhelming "spike" that INTPs experience blunted. It's too much of a stretch to try to feel "happy" immediately, but hey, I'm an INTP so I don't expect that anyway. After a couple of the right tracks (I know more or less which ones I'd play) I'll probably feel balanced and regain my mental equanimity. If I'm feeling inventive or the situation calls for it, I can carefully work my way from one emotion to a very opposite one with the right playlist.

Music is not merely about our mood or mental state, however, but provides a kind of window even deeper into the nature of being and reality. Perhaps the closest an INTP comes to experiencing timeless joy outside of the overwhelming presence of God Himself is when both of those processes -music influencing our mental state and also embodying it for us- fuse together and provide a sort of existential resonance, where the music perfectly syncs up with reality as we experience it and becomes the language, or perhaps the reflected shadow of the language, in which the persistence of our being is written.

In a sense it is like, maybe, how we are rarely aware of the existence of air around us, and may have trouble conceiving of ourselves as constantly living, moving through, and breathing a mix of gases (not so hard to recognize in Taiwan, thanks to super-humidity). But when a breeze is blowing just right, you can feel the air moving around you. Music is like that. Music captures passage through time in a form you can hear, but experience more deeply than that, so you are aware of time flowing around the fact of your continued existence, like a fixed needle testifies to the persistent existence of a turning record on the turntable by the ongoing stream of music it produces.

As a limited example of the experiential side to this, it might be helpful to think of a movie. While it would be silly to suggest the characters in the film could hear the soundtrack itself (that's what we call "breaking the fourth wall"), as the audience we experience the film holistically, and the music is an integral part of what's happening, maybe even subconsciously. (We "notice" the music but we don't usually give active thought to it when our attention is engaged by the film, it's just "persuading" us to feel a certain way about what we're watching happen)

For me, life is experienced both as an active participant and on (at least a couple) higher levels of mental abstraction as a spectator, so when I actively choose to listen to a given song at a given time, to some degree I'm intentionally providing a soundtrack for the movie of my life that I'm also watching. There are times when I start to listen to a song and think "no, this doesn't work for Now," (using our analogy, it isn't the right soundtrack for this part of the movie) and I change it. But "Now" really represents both my external state (experienced weather, time of day, what I'm doing, location, what I can see around me, etc) and my internal state (excited, weary, ticked off, depressed...), and when chosen properly, music can become the perfect expression of the ongoing interaction between the internal and external states.

Music and Ministry for INTPs

So after all this you may be wondering where the ministry connection might be. (Actually if you are an INTP you may have been wholly occupied in comparing and contrasting my own perspective on music to your own and developing a potential explanation for the source of any discrepancies)

I hope the ramifications of what we discussed above are pretty obvious as pertains to our personal lives, which are intimately and inextricably linked to any ministry we set out to do. Of course, music may play a more direct role in your ministry as well. Either way, there are several applications for believers, and for those of us in ministry or considering it:

1. Filter. The first point is simple; anything which affects us so deeply, which grabs and holds our attention as spiritual beings and even resonates with ongoing reality as we experience it, is something that as believers we have to be careful about.
All music contains implicit propositions, assertions made by the form of its composition, and we need to be aware of what they're suggesting to our minds. This is entirely apart from the explicit propositions made by lyrics which may be present. Both are important, and both need to be payed attention to, as there is a cost to letting in too much unhealthy content- GIGO: Garbage in, Garbage out, as they taught us in computer engineering school.
I am going to guess that most Christian INTPs don't have problems with listening to all different kinds of music; we're curious, have very wide-ranging interests, and are mostly cognizant of the message of what we're listening to, and can make the distinction. But while I personally would never presume to do the job that Paul clearly leaves up to us as individual Christians with our own discernment about what is profitable and right according to our own consciences, it's obvious that we can't be prideful either; there are limits to how effectively the human mind can block influences when we choose to immerse ourselves in them. We are probably not as immune as we imagine ourselves to be. I'm merely advising caution.


2A. Observe your tendencies. Since INTPs often listen to music which reflects their internal state, the music you find yourself drawn to is a reasonably helpful indicator of your spiritual state as well. So while there is a lot of music that is more or less "neutral," (How do you categorize the Blue Man Group?) if you never find yourself naturally drawn to praise or worship music, songs that explicitly honor God, it doesn't mean you're an apostate, but it might be something to consider, a reminder to reexamine yourself spiritually.
I certainly have songs that remind me of scriptural truths and attributes of God that it's safe to say the writer/composer never intended, but to make these the entirety of one's spiritual music diet would be like only reading books about scripture and never scripture itself.

2B. Instruct your habits. By the same token, since music affects us as spiritual creatures and INTPs have often mastered the art of selecting music based on how it affects them, it only makes sense (indeed, in some sense it is our spiritual duty) to intentionally fill some of our music consumption time with music that points us to God. If we can lift our mood from ourselves to consider Christ and the nature of the God we serve and love by listening to music composed for that purpose, we certainly should be making a habit of it. I am guilty of not always being as intentional about this as I should.

3. Let the Music Testify. If we consider ourselves to be more aware than most of the power of music, we should be making full use of it as we serve God in our ministries. It's easy to see how much the right music changes the mood of an event, and so we might put more effort into doing this intentionally. Lots of people know there should be music of some kind, but I suspect few will have put as much thought into what music might suit a particular situation as INTPs will often have. (Note: Just don't be surprised or offended if ministry coworkers reject your suggestions and put on whatever music they always do because they personally like the familiarity of it and aren't thinking in terms of what mood it might or might not give to the event as perceived by those attending. Not everyone thinks in those terms. Just be patient and be willing to accept the fact that your choices might indeed not give everyone else the impression they give you personally.)

Some might ask, isn't choosing music to produce a desired mood "brain-washing" or "emotional manipulation"? It all depends on your motive. Are you trying to trick someone into doing something they wouldn't normally do? Do you believe anyone can be convinced into truly accepting the gospel simply by you creating the right atmosphere? I hope not. Yes some churches do intentionally try to use music for emotional manipulation, sadly, and all I can say is either they are foolish to think they can use man's intelligence to use tricks to accomplish what only the power of God can, or else they are wolves in sheep's clothing whose punishment will be justifiably severe.

But I certainly don't think inviting someone to your home to share the gospel with them means you have to serve bad-tasting food for fear that delicious food would be a kind of manipulation. Good music is something we enjoy as the Church. Martin Luther reportedly asked why the devil should have all the good music, and I am pleased to report that he does not, even in what some like to call his particular style of music. And much of the world's good music came out of Christianity one way or another, so there's no reason not to use it as a testimony. So bring on the pipe organs of cathedrals and the cute kids with plastic ukuleles and everything in between, and let them hear our God is worthy to be praised with skillfully played music.
(Yes, Christian pop radio stations, I said skillfully played)

About those plastic ukuleles... I was speaking from experience.

Summary

Music is a powerful drug, they say. In that context, INTPs are like pharmacists, who can self-administer with the right medications and doses to keep a healthy mental state. The "dark side" of this would be INTPs who purposefully misuse those drugs. You can mess yourself up with music too. But be aware of the power and potential of music, and it can not only transport you to other worlds, but anchor you more firmly in this one and redirect your gaze from the trap of endless introspection outward to reality as it passes by, moment by moment, opportunity by opportunity, the only place where we can serve God and proclaim His gospel.

Crucify Ambition

Though it doesn't always reveal itself due to my personality, I have always been an ambitious person. I set high goals for myself, and by default seek to constantly gain influence and respect and admiration in circumstances and social settings I deem appropriate. But the call to missions, and what is more, the call to follow Christ, requires that I surrender these ambitions. It is a kind of death. But no part of me is dying that can stand in the presence of God.

Nevertheless, a peculiar temptation began rearing its head a few years ago, one that I had not previously experienced.

It primarily revealed itself after certain invitations... to Singapore, to Hong Kong, to Los Angeles, to the World Cup next year in Brazil. Conversations with more than one person about touring Europe. I began to realize I had reached a certain traveling status and acquired a few of the sort of friends to whom these things are fairly normal. For a cash-strapped seminary student and then support-raising missionary, however, obviously none of these things were financially possible, and that fact began to weigh on me heavily. It has been observed that missionaries are a strange subculture in that they tend to be well-educated, well-traveled, yet poor. (Typically the latter precludes either one or both of the former.)

The temptation was never to abandon missions for a more lucrative career; I love Taiwan and am excited about my calling and future ministry there, and having started down the path of career missions I have never considered forsaking the call. But a strong sense of discouragement and discontentment began to steal my joy. Surely it was unfair somehow, that I had joined the crowd of those aware of the more interesting places in the world, the globally well-connected sort, and yet had to continually decline to join them on their trips, which for me would have been once-in-a-lifetime opportunities?

These invitations also tapped into a deep desire I have to move continually into more influential or relevant parts of the world. It's a little hard to explain, but basically I have realized that I have a default tendency to seek out, like a moth to a candle, those places from which culture and influence are generated. It's wanting to be in the middle of where "things are happening," in the global sense, and these opportunities I was starting to encounter were a ticket right into that world.

Additionally, in a way that C.S.Lewis has captured very accurately in the Screwtape Letters and his descriptions of the temptation of the "inner ring," these invitations fed my pride by demonstrating that I had "made it" into a higher social level. They didn't have to invite me. Clearly they wanted me along, which meant I was considered good company by the sort who could choose their own company easily enough. And for an introverted homeschooler from Tennessee/Alabama, being invited on fun trans-oceanic trips by traveled and moneyed people your own age does wonders for one's self-image and self-confidence.

Of course... the problem is that this is also the self that must be put to death.
As the great German martyr Dietrich Bonhoeffer said:

"When Christ calls a man, He bids him come and die. It may be a death like that of the first disciples who had to leave home and work to follow Him, or it may be a death like Luther’s, who had to leave the monastery and go out into the world. But it is the same death every time—death in Jesus Christ, the death of the old man at his call.” (The Cost of Discipleship)

There is simply no room in that call for self-centered ambition. My desire to travel around the world having entertaining experiences with friends is not wrong in and of itself, but it must be taken captive and laid at the foot of the cross. When it can steal my joy, it has not been made subject to Christ. When I occasionally feel a longing for that kind of life, it is a sign I am not finding my satisfaction in the One from whom all blessings come. God has indeed granted me the opportunity to visit many places thus far, and it seems likely I will visit many more. But on His terms, and in His time, and for His glory.

I'm thankful to be able to say that God one day graciously granted me the key to defeating this sort of temptation. One day, as I was struggling with negative thoughts about this whole situation and especially how my lack of resources was preventing me from accepting a traveling invitation from an attractive single friend, God quite suddenly reminded me that I wouldn't be as traveled, wouldn't have made the friends I've made, and would not only not have access to these kinds of opportunities but wouldn't even be aware of them, had it not been for His leading me to Taiwan over these past 8 years and the changes that has made in my life. That pretty much axed the whole temptation. It's very difficult to be depressed over perceived missed opportunities which are only possible because of God's blessings, once one is aware of that fact.

Your idea of self-fulfillment might not be traveling to influential places, and the "inner circle" you want to be a part of may not be the same as mine. But we all struggle with ambition and the desire to live the life we perceive as fulfilling and enjoyable, to live for ourselves instead of becoming the living sacrifices Paul talks about in Romans 12. Maybe the key I mentioned above will be helpful for you; don't forget that if you find yourself reaching for selfish goals, you can only see them because of the blessings you stand upon.

Self-actualization is at the top of Maslow's hierachy, but it must be laid at the foot of the cross. Our most basic identity is not forged by ourselves through life's experiences, but defined by our Creator. The more we recognize this, the less of an identity crisis we will experience as the call of Christ leads farther and farther from the worldly path so many others have chosen to follow.

There is a song by Jeff Johnson, "Ruin Me," which puts the decision we are faced with rather straightforwardly. If you're not already familiar with it, take a listen...