An INTP on the Mission Field - Wormtongue or Elrond?

Returning to the INTP series...

Back when I set out on my journey to the mission field, I noticed that there were not many people of my personality among my fellow travelers. To be sure, not all were extroverts, and my seminary was known for attracting former engineers. To be an INTP is not merely to be an introvert, however, but to be very interested in certain things few other people find compelling, and find real challenges in certain tasks most people find routine. That's true of every personality in one area or another, but for INTPs that tends to play out in ways that don't mesh naturally with the missionary lifestyle. It doesn't mean incessant navel-gazing or a robotic inability to empathize with others, but it does mean social energy is a resource that must be conserved wisely, and some time away to ponder the theory of everything (preferably in a high-altitude spot with a good view but also shade) is necessary every so often.

While I have written in the past about the specific struggles of being an INTP or my own experiences of working on the mission field as an INTP, today I want to challenge INTPs in a certain way which certainly doesn't only apply to INTPs. (Even you Enneagram people will get something out of it) To do that, we're going to first look at two well-known characters from the Lord of the Rings:

Grima Wormtongue: The Deceitful Hoarder

In the Rohan plotline of the Lord of the Rings hexalogy, we meet the subversive character of Grima Wormtongue. He is a servant of Saruman who is sabotaging Rohan from within while Saruman's forces ravage it from without. Grima is portrayed in a compelling way by Brad Dourrif in the Peter Jackson trilogy, although he's more Tim-Burtonesque than what I saw in my mind's eye reading the books. He wouldn't be a very effective tool of evil if his appearance and wardrobe screamed "tool of evil", and to some extent we've all been falsely trained by Hollywood to think evil looks like that in real life. Here the words of Lewis in his preface to Screwtape ring true:

The greatest evil is not now done in those sordid "dens of crime" that Dickens loved to paint. It is not done even in concentration camps and labour camps. In those we see its final result. But it is conceived and ordered (moved, seconded, carried, and minuted) in clean, carpeted, warmed and well-lighted offices, by quiet men with white collars and cut fingernails and smooth-shaven cheeks who do not need to raise their voices.

Whatever his appearance, Grima is a subtle and dangerous opponent, as Gandalf observes. After Gandalf arrives at Edoras and breaks Saruman's spell over Theoden, Grima is (somewhat surprisingly, in the context of the story at that point) spared and given a horse to leave. Even at that point, the soldiers of Rohan seem to view him more with contempt than fear, not comprehending how much damage he has done. Theoden does not order him executed but gives him the option to show loyalty or be exiled. In the end he spits on that offer and runs off to join Saruman.

Grima Wormtongue's story has many interesting parallels to Smeagol/Gollum:
- Both are characters who serve the cause of evil individually for their own reasons, and both are bound to their masters by means other than force (Gollum due to his enslavement to the ring Frodo bears, Grima due to fear and guilt).
- Both also "lose" precious magical artifacts: Gollum literally loses his precious, Sauron's ring of power, and Grima loses a palantir (magical seeing-stone) for Saruman by hurling it out of Orthanc at the protagonists assembled below. 

- Both were originally good or at least neutral, and in choosing evil consistently became twisted into something unlike their original selves. (Gandalf says to Theoden about Grima: "once it was a man, and did you service in its fashion.") 

- In the end, both characters are spared when they could have been executed, and eventually attack their master for more or less the very reason they've been serving them. (Gollum when ring-lust overcomes him, and Grima when his fearful hatred finally tips to the side of hatred). 

- In another odd connection, Grima is actually killed by roused-up Hobbits who are taking the Shire back after he snaps and kills Saruman with a knife. (In the movie version which dispenses with this part of the story and moves Saruman's death to a much earlier scene, Grima is shot by Legolas)

Also similar to Smeagol/Gollum, Grima is a thief (who likes to accuse others to hide his own guilt): His crimes are not only limited to spying for Saruman and functioning as a sort of proxy by which Saruman's corroding influence on Theoden can be locally amplified (whether very obviously in the films, or more subtly in the books); he is actively working for the downfall of Rohan in whatever ways he can, and this extends to pilfering and thieving as well.

Grima apparently acted partly out of greed; Saruman had promised him spoils after what he assumed was his inevitable victory, which possibly included Eowyn as well (I may not be alone in thinking in that case victory would have ended Grima faster than defeat did). Apparently he had begun this spoil-taking preemptively: When Grima is forced to retrieve Theoden's sword, it is remarked that "many things men have missed" are found in the trunk where he had stashed the sword away. This is purposefully not elaborated upon by Tolkien, but one assumes that the various other things are items of real or symbolic strength which have been stolen away by Grima. Ahead of Saruman's assumed victory, he couldn't keep his hands off of the most valuable things he could find when the opportunity to steal them away and hoard them presented itself. 

Elrond of Imladris: The Wise Giver

Let us now consider an extremely different character in LotR: Elrond the Half-elven, Lord of Rivendell (called Imladris by the elves)

It wouldn't be helpful here to spend lots of time on Elrond's backstory, so let's summarize by saying Elrond and his brother Elros were born back in the Elder days, the children of a rare and specific High Elf/Historically Important Human marriage. They were given the option to choose their fate, whether to be Elven or Human (in Tolkien's world the afterlife works differently for the two groups, so being "mixed" wasn't an option), and Elrond chose to be of the elven kind, later becoming Lord of Rivendell, important to the plot of both the Hobbit and LotR, and holding one of the three Elven great rings. (His brother chose to be human and founded Numinor, of which Aragorn is the last descendant of the line of kings.) 

Rivendell/Imladris is an interesting place; in the Hobbit it is treated a bit more lightly, with elves singing in trees and Elrond the sage leader of a "homely house" at the edge of wilderland, who primarily helps the Dwarves figure out a map. In the Lord of the Rings and connected works it is described further as one of the three major strongholds of the Elves in Middle Earth, alongside the Shipyards which protect the elves access to the journey west across the Sundering Seas to the Undying Lands, and Galadriel's woodland stronghold of Lothlorien. Rivendell is important enough that it is mentioned in Tolkien's additional writings that Sauron had been hoping to mobilize Smaug and the goblin armies of the north against it, had Smaug not been taken out by Bard in the events of The Hobbit and Dale subsequently re-established as a stronghold that eventually limited Sauron's northern campaign.

Rivendell is described by Bilbo, who ends up living there long term after his departure from the Shire, as "a perfect house, whether you like food or sleep or story-telling or singing, or just sitting and thinking best, or a pleasant mixture of them all." It is the only place Aragorn could call home, the place where the shards of Narsil were preserved as revealed in dreams to Boromir and Faramir, along with many other things not to be found anywhere else in Middle Earth.

As the Lord of Rivendell, Elrond is wise and conservative (somewhat unlike the Jackson films' take on his character), but willing to generously provide precious gifts and important advice from the accumulated bounty of his house as appropriate.

Matthew 13:52

Having looked at those two characters, let's take a look at the truth of scripture. Specifically Matthew 13:52, which reads as follows: 

"And [Jesus] said to them, "Therefore every scribe who has been trained for the kingdom of heaven is like a master of a house, who brings out of his treasure what is new and what is old."

Jesus says this in the literary context of a string of parables, including some of the most famous and quickly recognized parables in the gospels (the sower and the seed, the wheat and tares, the mustard seed, etc.). After the disciples ask about the meaning of the wheat and the tares parable, they claim to understand the next three parables Jesus tells (treasure in the field, pearl of great price, fish in the net). At that point Jesus gives the statement above.

He uses an unusual expression here: "The scribe who has been trained for the kingdom of heaven." In Jesus' day, the profession of scribe doubtless had attracted some INTPs; the job was to record and accumulate information. (Though the legal and administrative responsibilities that came with the task might have scared them off again) In the gospels we typically see the scribes at odds with Jesus, but here he speaks of scribes who are trained for the Kingdom.

There is much wisdom densely packed into this statement. The scribe needs to be trained in order to be like the master with treasures to offer. The training needs to be kingdom training, not merely scribal training. Yet a scribe is already trained to handle religious law carefully and correctly. When someone trained to handle important information carefully is then trained for the kingdom, truly he will have old things and new things to offer, from the redeemed "palace of his mind" of which he will be the master if he learns to take every thought captive for Christ.  

Two Paths for an INTP:

The Matthew verse has always reminded me of Elrond, Master of the House of Rivendell, with great treasures from which he brings forth new(er) and old gifts to aid the cause of Good. And his gifts are not always material, but also good counsel and wisdom, like the scribe above can offer. The opposite of Grima, he does not steal from others to hoard away, but accumulates good things to provide help and succor to others. He does not infiltrate and manipulate, he establishes and maintains.

Elrond himself doesn't take the front lines (not by the timeline of Lord of the Rings, except as part of the White Council). His main role is to be master of Rivendell and to maintain that strong place, described in the Silmarillion as a "refuge for the weary and the oppressed, and a treasury of good counsel and wise lore."

Similarly, an INTP is usually not going to be charging into the front lines full of battle fury, and that's not necessarily where you want an INTP. An INTP is not likely to show up with an army behind him either; the gifts of charisma and natural magnetism and strong-willed leadership that's not afraid to break a few eggs to make an omelet or chew out a subordinate when they need it are not the forte of an INTP. (Though it's quite likely this hypothetical leader's strategic war council has an INTP or three)

On the mission field, however, those who charge in furiously are likely to burn out just as furiously, sometimes leaving a mess that longer-term workers must labor to clean up. And those leaders who can inspire natural loyalty and dominate their subordinates may fail at the servant leadership and humility which seeks not to create a personal empire but to serve and build up the local church, to watch less qualified and gifted leaders struggle and encourage them rather than taking charge. 

By contrast, an INTP will be seeking to impose structure on disorder, to accumulate knowledge and wisdom, to determine what is most valuable and focus their limited energy on obtaining that. Above all, to understand, in a cohesive and articulate sense, what is real and true, to further grasp reality through this, and then to pass on this knowledge to others in useful ways. 

So in terms of leadership, an INTP rarely leads by jumping to the front and rallying others to their standard (I'd love to hear real-life examples of what happened in those situations), but they will seek positions of influence and adequate resources to have at their disposal instead, so that their knowledge and understanding and strategic thinking can be seen as strengths.

Having arrived in this kind of situation, the INTP has two paths to take; we'll call them the Wormtongue path and the Rivendell path:

On the Wormtongue path, the INTP is a loner who seeks influence and resources selfishly or anxiously. Protection and influence can be found by joining a strong leader, and resources can be obtained by wit and stratagem at the expense of others if necessary. Grima seemingly had no allies or "team" in Rohan; as an individual he had already attached himself to a strong leader (Theoden) then betrayed him in favor of a more powerful one with more resources (Saruman). It was an intelligent and strategic choice in terms of personal benefit, but it was an alliance with evil. Underestimated by the strength-and-honor warrior culture around him, Grima had an eye for what was most valuable and had already begun to accumulate it for his own purposes. Doubtless he felt pride in strategically steering Rohan to its ruin, in being the unseen puppeteer, a temptation which many INTPs may especially feel, to use their intelligence and strategic thinking skills to manipulate events for their own security and a desirable outcome. In the end, however, forces beyond his control brought all his careful schemes to ruin.

On the Rivendell path, by contrast, the INTP seeks influence and resources as part of a coalition which seeks to bless and build up: not subversive but superversive. Rivendell didn't build itself, and Elrond did not move to Gondor and slowly take over, like Sauron in Numinor, though he could probably have done so in a similar fashion. Elrond did start with resources few others had, but he used those to build up a strong house (both a location, but also a company of people) which was a blessing to any who stayed there or who passed through. Simply by dedicating himself to being the master of that house as a sort of locus for what was good and true, maintaining "the old that was strong and did not wither," yet recognizing a new age was at hand, Elrond was a major influence for the powers of Good in Middle Earth. 

Seek for the Sword that was broken: In Imladris it dwells;
There shall be counsels taken, stronger than Morgul-spells.
There shall be shown a token, that Doom is near at hand;
for Isildur's Bane shall waken, and the Halfling forth shall stand.

The Last Homely House East of the Sea

And Rivendell was not merely a stronghold and refuge, it also stood for something greater than itself. It was not only called a "Homely House," but "The Last Homely House East of the Sea." This meant it was not only a place of refuge, a place of peace and light and truth, but it pointed to the origin of those things, and the place to which they would return: The True West, in Tolkien's mythos, the Undying Lands, where the servants of God lived, and where the elves desired to return. White shores, and a far green country, under a swift sunrise. The world as it ought to be. Aslan's country, beyond the farthest waves that grow sweet. What people got in Rivendell, then, was not merely rest and refuge, and perhaps wise advice, possibly precious gifts, but also a glimmer of that eternal light beyond the Sundering Seas. What they felt there was a taste of heaven on earth.

The world needs Homely Houses. It will need them more in the coming days. Whether an actual home or establishment, a group of like-minded people, or even few close friends who have accumulated resources and wisdom with the desire to bless and give refuge to others, these small strongholds of light will stand against the turmoil of the world as they have done since the beginning. These places of peace where a little taste of heaven on earth can be experienced stand like burning beacons in the dark for peoples who have chosen to forget the legacy of the gospel they once received, or who have never known it. 

I wish that every church could be a Homely House, which points to and communicates the reality of an Undying World beyond the Sundering Seas not only via the truth kept there, and hopefully shared faithfully there, but as fellowships of light and wisdom and richness and refuge and peace which give those who visit a taste of God’s country. Sadly, many are not like that at all. Sadly, some have this appearance (like one ancient and famous example whose strong stone vault endured a devastating fire last week and protected what was within) but the truth itself may be but little heard inside. But by God’s grace the two are not mutually exclusive, and need not remain so.

And while INTPs have their unique struggles, if they are trained for the kingdom, building up a house (a space, and a fellowship) from which may be brought out treasures old and new for the blessing of the saints and advancement of the kingdom is a task for which they are indeed well-equipped. If God has not yet presented a more specific path to you, I believe it's worth pursuing. Be trained in the kingdom, and build up a house. The path must be chosen daily, and the road will be long, but He goes with us, and before us, and follows after.

An INTP on the Mission Field: Periods of Low Energy

On the mission field, one is continuously exerting social, mental, and often physical energy, not to mention carrying the spiritual burdens of the ministry. This extra strain, brought on by the non-native cultural context and the stressful, no-such-thing-as-finished nature of the work, can sometimes push our natural highs higher, but more often drags the natural lows lower, or makes it more difficult to rise back out of them. In this post, I want to look at the high/low energy phenomenon that INTPs (and everyone else, to varying extents) experience, and what can be done about those lows which can be so damaging for INTPs.

Highs and Lows

A well-known tendency of INTPs is to move through cycles of high-productivity and creativity, then low-energy and depression. In the "high" periods, we are likely to experience what is called Flow-- that channeled focus which results in works of great skill and/or creativity beyond one's normal performance. In the "low" periods that inevitably follow, however, we may sink into a depressed state or general lethargy, in which there can be a sense that more ground is lost than was gained during the productive streak that preceded it.

If you are not an INTP, think Sherlock Holmes: When he's Up, Sherlock is scintillatingly brilliant, full of restless energy, and everyone else is trying to keep up and being left far behind. But when he's Down, he is irritable, lethargic, and world-weary to the point that in the books (and some screen adaptations) he turns to small doses of cocaine to liven up his unbearable ennui, listlessness, and despondency. (Cocaine was not an illegal controlled substance when the original stories were written, but Watson still advises him to avoid it)

That's a hyperbolic literary example, but a lot of INTPs deal with a similar cycle on a lesser scale. When present, this high-and-lowing is very inconvenient for most adults, with jobs and lives and time that waits for no man's unfortunate tendency to cycle up and down with no real way to predict when the next phase will hit. However, the weaknesses that accompany one's personality are exactly that: weaknesses, which adversely affect our performance, ministry, and even quality of life if left unchecked. For INTPs, it's weakness which can't simply be ignored. (Some have suggested low energy spells are a coping mechanism for draining the excess energy/overstimulation we get from social interaction, but that's more connected to introversion than the up-down cycle which I'm describing)

Sometimes INTPs get stuck here. Hopefully the tips below
will help you get recharged, or stop the draining where it starts

The Downside of being Down

I have observed the up/down tendency in myself repeatedly, and frankly I'm sick of it; I don't see any reason why when normal people are moving along as they generally do, I suddenly go from energetic creativity to blank-brained exhaustion and want to find a rock to hide under and play tower defense games and eat cookies for a few days, avoiding excessive movement and definitely any social interaction.

But I can think whatever I want about it; just as being an INTP comes with unique positives, it also comes with strong downsides, and this is one of them, whether I like it or not. (What I choose to do when confronted with them is another thing; more on that below)

But as a missionary (and as a human being, for that matter), the low energy cycles are not merely inconvenient and undesirable, since they affect my quality of life and ministry as well. In a foreign culture, to be socially engaged always takes more energy. As an introvert, such engagement is already costly in terms of social energy, and doing it in my second language, with only a tenuous grasp of the underlying social mores and structures that lead to the observable behavior, the cost is much higher. This means the efforts I make to get more plugged into the culture, meet more people, expand the scope of our outreach ministries, etc., all begin to slowly lose ground when I can't gather enough social energy to successful continue doing all that. (If that sounds like I'm saying missions is best left to extroverts who will naturally not struggle quite as much with this, I'm not. Both introverts and extroverts have necessary roles to play in global missions, and neither are limited to certain kinds of roles.)

On the other hand, especially as a missionary, social activities are a large part of my ministry. I can't share the gospel with people if I don't meet them. (I've done it online before, but even that was usually preceded by knowing the person through repeated social engagements prior to the conversation) I can't disciple people if I don't spend time with them. I can't practice Chinese effectively if I don't meet with them. The list goes on.

Thus, depleting the energy I draw on for social stuff then leads to a direct diminishing of what I'm able to accomplish in my ministry, which contributes to the feeling that I'm not accomplishing anything (because that's partly true), which feeds back into the depressive thoughts that accompany the low energy state, producing an extended/worsened low which can go on for quite some time, especially if the weather stays gloomy.

Note: If this seems weak or whiny to you, think of it in terms of bench-pressing: if you're already struggling, regardless of what's on the bar, slapping a "harmless little" extra 10lb weight on each side could easily have you dropping it all straight onto your chest. (Especially since INTPs often don't have anyone who "gets it" to spot for them, and are trying to bench on their own, so to speak)
It's the same way when you're already in a low: even a couple days of gloomy weather or the early darkness of the cold months can add to the weight already on one's spirit in a way that wouldn't be a big problem normally.

People are a union of mind, body, and spirit. (I'm not espousing a particular trichotomous or dichotomous view here, just bringing up the mental, physical, and spiritual aspects of life) When one these components of our being is having issues, the other two inevitably are affected. This is true of all people (sadly often acknowledged in the theoretical sense, but practically speaking still ignored). But being so aware of our mental state, INTPs are especially equipped to notice how the one affects the others, though we may forget it works the other way around too.

Lows therefore do not merely cause one to "feel" tired and lethargic, but the symptoms are very real in one's body. Weight gain (possibly loss, for those who also lose their appetite during those times), poor sleep (despite feeling tired all the time), lack of any motivation to work out or even leave the house- all these things are not only symptoms of a low, but can prolong it. The converse may also be true; the mental/emotional low may be caused or encouraged by physical deficiencies.

The same is true of our spiritual selves as well; we can't always be "on fire," and will go through dark valleys and quietly restful periods as well, but a prolonged low can lead to listlessness, numbness, and dry periods in our spiritual lives too.

Tactics for Low Energy Periods:

So if these low energy periods are a natural tendency of our personality type, but also very problematic, how best to proceed in mitigating the damage? Can we overcome them entirely?

I suspect we can never overcome the tendency itself, as it's rooted in the strength and liveliness of the world in our minds, but we can go a long way towards shoring up this weakness, to the extent that it becomes a nuisance to be guarded against rather than a continual ongoing problem we're stuck inside.

I can begin with an example from my experience here: In learning Chinese over the longer term, I have found that the best time to understand my progress is not the occasional high points: throwing out a chengyu (4 character idiom) at exactly the right time and getting praise from my local coworkers, but rather, on those days when I didn't sleep well or have caught whatever 24-hour virus is going around the metro system and don't seem to have two brain cells to spare for speaking more than my baseline Chinese. On those days, has my worst Chinese improved over my worst Chinese a month ago? If so, then I have improved. Measuring from the lows gives you a far better sense of how much your baseline has improved than measuring the peaks, which are heavily dependent on circumstances.

So it's the same for low energy days. When I first arrived here long term, just making it through the day and feeling like I was still okay with life in Taiwan and how the ministry was going (as opposed to visions of impending failure--don't laugh, I suspect church planters all have those, and INTPs are especially plagued with them) seemed like a minor victory, as I was going through longer-term culture shock and the more stressful adjustment period. Now, into my second year here, I demand at least some level of productivity from myself even on the lowest days. If I can't run towards a goal I walk towards it, or maybe even trudge, but at least by the end of the day I've gotten closer. A paragraph of my novel is not much compared to the rare days I sit down and crank out a chapter or more, but it's a paragraph closer to being finished that wasn't there before.

Staying Productive

Since church-planting is a 24/7 but not strictly 9-5 occupation (there are mostly-free days and also 18-hours-of-constant-work days, like a lot of other non-desk-job occupations), to-do lists are helpful for me on those days that aren't busy with ministry. Lists are not for everyone, but I have been compiling them more consistently lately and making a goal of getting at least a few boxes checked off each day makes the day not feel wasted if I do rest more than usual. Last year I seemed to need a lot of extra rest as my brain tried to process all the cultural newness at INTP levels of multilayered depth, comparing it to all my previously assimilated information about our world and updating lots of things as necessary. (It's been better this year.)

Regardless of your occupational schedule, Perfectionism and Procrastination are a lethal duo, and both can raise their ugly heads on low energy days, preventing you from starting anything because you don't feel able to finish it "properly." For me, dividing up the responsibilities into chunks that I can tackle is like traction on the wheels of productivity, it gets me started again. It also helps avoid the situation where a day feels busy and productive but by the end of the day you mysteriously don't seem to have accomplished much; keeping track of what you actually did reveals that sometimes restful days are actually more productive.

Sleep

Overall, recognizing the exhaustion, mental and physical, is there, but that at the same time you got some good work done, can pull you right out of a low energy spell and back at least into the normal swing of things. Normal tiredness from work you got done or even a good workout is one of your best friends in this situation, both for shaking off the weary spell and also for healthy sleep.

If you are in a low energy period and therefore took a day to rest, you may not be tired by the time night rolls around either, and will almost certainly have trouble sleeping. (Or you're like me, an inveterate night owl who perks up once the sun sets)

Though it's never a good idea to skip a night's sleep, I would almost recommend doing that if you find yourself stuck in a poor sleeping pattern, in order to reset it. I've done it before and it works for me. It probably doesn't work at all for some people, or your career may be such that missing a night's sleep would make the next day unsafe. I'm certainly not advising that, but a cycle of poor sleep can contribute to getting stuck in a low energy pattern and can certainly prolong it by days, so ending it one way or another should be a priority unless you are one of those cool people who don't need as much sleep as the rest of us. (Or you might think you are, until the long term health effects set in)

Hot > Cold

Sometimes a kind of righteous anger can be helpful in dispelling or even preventing low spells as well. Anger has been treated like an inherent sin by a lot of people lately, but I think we need to look closely at what scripture says about anger. Anger is an emotional reaction just like happiness or sadness. None of those are sinful. What we do with all of them can be sinful, however, and a look at scripture suggests that anger is a more "dangerous" emotion and we don't want to be in the habit of stirring it up in ourselves, or being an "angry person." Happiness may lead to flippancy, sadness can lead to wallowing, but anger leads to rage rather naturally. That's why it's often depicted as a fire; once it catches, it tends to spread.

So the Bible says to avoid anger and malice, Galatians 5 lists "fits of anger" as one of the works of the flesh, and wrath is one of the seven deadly sins. But Jesus is reported as feeling anger on various occasions as well. He did not sin in His anger, and neither should we. His anger was directed towards the proper objects as well, as should ours. I don't want to derail this post on a discussion of anger, but personally I think an anger problem is like a drinking problem. It can be cultivated, encouraged, and become addictive, until the person stirs up anger in themselves just to get that feeling. But if you can be filled with the love of Christ and at the same time feel anger towards sin or wrongness, in yourself or others, and not sin in the way you express that anger, then the anger may in some cases be the only appropriate reaction. We should be angry at the things that anger God. (Remembering that He reserves wrathful judgment for Himself only, that's not ours to dish out on those we personally deem deserving)

So when I feel despair and listlessness seeping in like cold fog, a flare of righteous anger can sometimes dispel it immediately. I know my own tendency to sink into depression well enough that I recognize it coming. Whereas in the past I may have said "well, here we go again," and let the icy tendrils sink in, lately I find myself saying "you know what, not today. Shove off." (This has become increasingly doable the more I focus on eating well and getting into shape, going back to what I mentioned before about the mind-body-spirit connection we can't ignore as rational, spiritual, but physical creatures)

Various

Other suggestions I found around the web were mostly diet/lifestyle related:
1. Eat less carbs, more protein  (I've already been doing this and it does help.)
2. Get in shape (Yes)
3. Focus on sleep consistency more than just how many hours (this is nearly impossible for me)
4. Eat well in general (plentiful nutrients, not junk food)
5. Get in shape (Seriously)
6. Reduce overstimulating factors in your daily environment (This one is interesting. A lot of INTPs have a comparatively low toleration for external stimulation, so if you are getting consistently overstimulated by things around you (loud noises you can't control, etc) this can lead to feeling drained and having low energy as well)
7. Get in shape (No really, do it) This was the most common thing cited by people who overcame their low energy problem. As I mentioned above, it helped me too. If you are an INTP reading this, and you're out of shape, the best thing you can do for your mind and everything else is to get your physical machine in better working order. It will help everything else, even depression, though it won't change overnight. If you don't have friends to work out with, I recommend a workout routine you can do quickly in your own place to start out, because otherwise going out to workout at a gym or somewhere else may be just another social burden which you'll keep talking yourself out of. For INTPs, getting into better shape is probably one of those "just do it" things. Don't overthink it, act on it, and keep acting on it until the results speak for themselves and it becomes only rational to continue.

I hope something in here was helpful for anyone out there struggling with low energy and the guilt that might accompany them. It helps me to remember something I heard a Taiwanese pastor share in a sermon: "To be, is more important than to do." We must do, as well, but if we work on who we are, we'll find the doing comes more naturally. With a healthy mind, body, and spirit, fatigue or exhaustion should pass naturally with adequate rest, and well-earned rest pleases the God who designated a day specifically for it.

An INTP on the Mission Field: Not Being Understood

(This is Part 3 in my current series on INTPs and Christian ministry. Go here for Part 1, Part 2)

The Overcommunication Problem

Do you ever suffer from facting-at-the-mouth? You're having a normal sort of conversation with someone, could be a long-time friend or a new acquaintance, and suddenly an issue comes up you're interested in and, often mostly unbeknownst to yourself, suddenly from your mouth begins to issue forth a rich and dense thunderhead of information regarding that topic, with possible lightning-strike tangents to related ideas.

This is perfectly acceptable to nearly any fellow INTP, as we love a good tempest of information (very different from "brainstorming," which is sometimes difficult to endure), but I have discovered that other people do not communicate in this way. Some of them even have a fairly strong aversion to it.

As I brought up in a previous post, people talk, and argue, for different reasons. Some of them find the process mildly stimulating regardless of whether the sounds coming out are actually conveying any thoughts or sentiments they'll remember 10 minutes later. For an INTP who has not created some kind of mental subprocess which can keep this going while their brain stays in a safe place, this kind of discussion can be like torture. Imagine someone cooking, not to make food anyone is going to eat, but just because they enjoy pouring things in bowls and mixing them around, and it's all going to be tossed out when they get tired of it, and that this requires at least two people and they can sort of drag other people into this process in such a way that it's rude to decline.

But INTPs can do a much more wearying version of this. We don't realize it, because speech for us is among other things a fairly efficient (given the options at our disposal) method of communicating ideas back and forth rapidly, and that's what we like to use it to do. If we could legibly write on sheets of paper much faster than we could speak, you would occasionally see two INTPs sitting beside each other with legal pads, scribbling furiously and nodding.

What we do is this: once a normal, unsuspecting person brings up a topic that interests us, we lock into the conversation with laser-like focus and begin trying to upload information verbally to their brain in order to have the necessary relevant data in each other's RAM to be able to analyze it productively. We expect the other person to be doing this too, of course, since it's possible they have picked up some info we managed to somehow overlook, and so their look of slight alarm and/or physically observable attempt to back out of the conversation is confusing because that's signalling the opposite of the intense exchange of ideas we're revving up for.


To reverse the cooking analogy earlier, imagine someone suggests making pizza and you enthusiastically agree, then begin clearing out a space beside the back door and hauling in bricks. When they ask you confusedly what you are doing, you also respond confusedly.
You: "Building a pizza oven, of course. Didn't we say we wanted to have pizza?"
Them: "Oh. Uh... we're just sending Rachel to the store for frozen pizza crust. Which brand of canned tomato sauce do you like?"
You (Frustrated at yourself for misreading the situation and at them for rejecting your idea which would have resulted in a superior outcome, in this case much tastier pizza, you speak too quickly and don't really mean it the way it comes across): "Oh sorry, I thought we were having real pizza. Well if not then it doesn't really matter which sauce you pick, anything's fine with me."
(Awkwardness ensues.)

When you're used to doing things very thoroughly, that's what feels rewarding and satisfying, but a lot of people find it "too much." That can be what conversations are like for INTPs. We want completeness and a comprehensive "theory of everything" approach, or at least a theory which fits into our personal theory of everything. Sometimes that comes out in how we talk about anything. Laying all the groundwork like that is practically a parenthetical statement for us, and one that is sometimes not even necessary if the other person is tracking with us, but it can be baffling and tiresome to someone who didn't intend to club the issue over the head and dissect it right there on the table beside the coffee machine. They were just making conversation until the coffee was ready. To them, the interaction might seem a little like this... (Bill Murray in this case actually muttering the things an INTP might uncharitably be thinking)

Bill Murray is being a jerk in that clip, and sometimes people do put down INTPs fact-vomit tendencies to negative motivations, thinking we want to show off, or impress them with how smart we are. It's a reaction with which I became quite familiar, growing up, and adults are sometimes no different. But while sinful people will have sinful motivations, mainly we talk like that because we think everything is really interesting. If your brain kept shooting off on tangents while other people were talking, and you thought all of them were really fascinating, you might talk similarly. It's like ADD of the mind's association matrix. In response to the idea of "tea," say, my brain might go down any of a number of paths:

Tea -> Drinking Tea -> Calmness -> Serenity -> Firefly -> Joss Whedon -> Whedon's ability to realistically portray characters with religion despite his own atheism
|
Green Tea -> Oolong Tea -> Taiwan High Mountain Tea -> Nantou -> '99 Earthquake -> That mountain with the whole side missing that I saw on my trip to visit my friend and we also went to this cool aviary
|
Matcha -> More caffeine than coffee -> coffee caffeine content -> espresso -> The time that I was in the airport in North Carolina and at Starbucks I ordered a Doppio Espresso and the guy pronounced it with an incredibly strong accent and it was funny but I was worried it might be pretentious to think so
|
Matcha Pocky -> Pocky -> That guy in Fast and the Furious 3 Tokyo Drift was holding a stick of Pocky in his mouth and not eating it -> I can never manage to do that for more than a few seconds -> I should be more disciplined -> I didn't do pushups today
|
Japanese Snacks -> Octopus balls -> Danshui Taiwan -> Bitan is at the opposite end of the Taipei metro from Danshui as I was saying to someone a couple days ago but it's rarely visited because fewer people know about it, but it would be a good place for short-termers to visit for a more relaxing experience of Taiwan

So my coworker might still be in the process of pouring some tea, and I have now decided I will see if our incoming short-termers this summer want to visit Bitan. I might introduce it as if it's a new topic I just remembered I wanted to mention. In particularly irritating INTP mode (one that I try to suppress or train myself out of, conversationally), my brain might insist it wants to discuss Joss Whedon's ability to write characters with religious beliefs well despite his own atheism, and if I don't stop myself I might automatically begin working the conversation down the path my brain took to get there from tea. Maybe that's not an INTP thing but my own particular weirdness, but it's something nowadays I can usually stop myself from doing. (harder to stop in Chinese, however, because I have less control over observing what I say, because most of my mental effort is going into saying it correctly)

This is why it was hard to pay attention in class. Or not fact-dump in conversations.
And it's especially hard not to do this when people are praying in my second language...

Now, occasionally someone does want more information on a certain topic, and they might actually seek INTPs out in that situation. We -like- to have our brains picked, and I suspect (it's true for me, at least) we don't care so much whether someone profits from using that information for their own purposes. We're not in it for the money, we're trying to construct a model of the universe in our heads, and by consulting us and then acting on that information you're basically buying into our model. This both validates us and our carefully constructed views, and also means we are influencing the world of ideas, which is the kind of influence that matters to us. Anyone can win the lottery and have money, but explaining a system to an interested person and seeing the light go on over their head, or overhearing someone telling someone else an idea that you originally told them, in a way that demonstrates it's already become part of their own world view, that's the sort of thing that gives us the warm fuzzies. (That no one else believes we are capable of experiencing)

Being Misunderstood

All this leads to a very common phenomenon among INTPs: feeling misunderstood.
I was once talking with a girl I was interested in, and the topic of pets came up. She said she couldn't imagine me having a pet unless it was a snake, or maybe a robot. (Perhaps unsurprisingly, things with her went nowhere, but did result in a pretty cool trip to Mexico)

I was a bit surprised at that response, in that I didn't think I came across to people that cold-bloodedly, but then I am surprised at least half the time I hear other people's descriptions of me, because none of it usually sounds like how I think of myself.

That in itself is probably quite common ("O, wad some Power the giftie gie us, to see oursels as others see us!"), but INTPs may specifically suffer from the feeling of not being understood and the wish or desire that this could be different. The problem for us, I think, is twofold:

1. As described above, we don't communicate normally (whatever that means).

It's hard for other people to get to know us, a fact very commonly mentioned in descriptions of INTPs. I suppose that because it's hard for us to let them. We bring up abstract topics and give them a thorough scrutiny and talking-over, and that's conversation for us. I don't really know how to talk about "myself," and am not much more able to talk to other people about themselves either.

As an example: Though I think I've improved over the past few years, when someone tells me they are sad, there is always that temptation to begin talking about sadness, as a concept. Sometimes the best I can do instead is to approach the conversation as discussing the topic of "sadness as it relates to [other party in conversation]". Since this involves talking through it (being P and not J, we're less likely to offer any sort of direct or implied judgement regarding the cause or appropriateness of their sadness), sometimes the other person may even find the conversation helpful and feel better afterwards. If I can succeed in not actually saying all the stuff my brain is writing into the conversational prompt regarding all the ideas that branch forth from what the other person is saying, it's not unusual to be told I'm a good listener.

2. Our whole approach to life is centered around understanding.

For an INTP, understanding is an endless quest. We want to know everything and why it ticks, and how it relates to everything else. We want to understand other people too, and sometimes can do surprisingly well at this along certain lines, since knowing someone for a while lets us build a sort of behavioral model for them, and that information goes into how we do this for other people too, so we can get quicker and more accurate at it as we go along, if we keep training in the discipline of actively engaging with various kinds of people. I'm thinking that a wise, old INTP would be an excellent judge of human character, because he's had a lifetime of observing people and building a mental model of their behavior, what different sorts of people are like and what they tend to do and how they react to things.

Because of our deep desire to know, we also have a deeper than usual desire to be known. The unknowability of our personality then presents a big problem, since we find it hard to let people know us yet desire greatly that they should. Those people who are willing to put forth the effort to get past our barriers and know us well are often rewarded with our devotion and gratitude, though in their child-like intensity these can be burdensome as well, depending on the depth of relationship desired. It must be admitted that a sense of proportion is not really one of our strongest features...

In Cross-Cultural Ministry

Setting aside all the accusations that the Myers-Briggs types are invalid to begin with, which I don't find to be the case, as if nothing else it's a heuristical model of considerable value, there is the fascinating question of whether the Meyer-Briggs scale can be applied across very different cultures. Their own info on that is here, but it's minimal, and the question is one I'd like to revisit in a future post.

Since an INTP on the mission field is probably immersed in a different culture and different language, the chances of being understood are even less likely. And in terms of meeting like-minded people, God can bring anyone into our lives according to His timing (something that happens all the time here), but by default INTPs are probably not the local people you're going to run into, except possibly as your language instructor. And given their conversational propensities, if they don't already speak English you're going to need a lot of language ability to talk with them. Depending on their level of introversion, INTPs are not necessarily going to rush to meet a foreign face either, though they may proactively make your acquaintance if they have good English themselves and you're a chance to practice it.

There's also the issue of coworkers. Feeling your national coworkers or local ministry partners don't understand you is natural, given the cultural and language gaps that probably exist. I probably seem entirely rational half the time and totally inexplicable the other half, to them, though as my Chinese ability has increased I've been able to do some of the "looking at it from my perspective, it's similar to how a Taiwanese person would feel about X" explanations which have helped, or at least moved things a bit closer to the recognition that Westerners are not mysterious entities who do strange things for our own incomprehensible purposes and can only be reacted to, not understood.

But your Western coworkers are another matter, because we expect them to "get" us, since by comparison we all seem more like to each other than like our target culture. That expectation can lead to a whole range of problems, however, since even in the same national culture there are widely different regional cultures (it's likely that someone on a team from Maine and someone from Texas will have to be working across fairly significant cultural gaps), and also it doesn't account for personalities. I've been told repeatedly by experienced missionaries that some of the greatest difficulties encountered by missionaries are conflicts with fellow missionaries. It hasn't happened yet, but I am led to understand it probably will. (A bridge that can be crossed in as Christ-like a manner as possible when I come to it)

It's certainly possible you will have a team leader who is brisk, brusque, and who sees your objections or analytical comments as not contributing to the discussion or getting anything done, and shuts you down. Or, your team leader may be sensitive and empathetic, and resist the "negativity" that involves rejecting any ideas or making anyone feel left out of the conversation. Either one can be frustrating, but cross-cultural ministry offers even fewer opportunities to pick your own coworkers.

So it's important to realize at the outset that you are probably not going to be understood, and frankly it's likely that most people place a lower priority on the whole concept than you do. So a big part of INTPs coping with cross cultural missions is something I've mentioned before, simply growing thicker skin and dealing with it.

However...

It doesn't actually matter. People won't understand the weird way your brain works, or why you can talk for hours with some people and only have short, awkward exchanges with others. But your intense need to be understood is already fulfilled, by a God who created you, and understands you better than you understand yourself. It may sound like I suddenly shifted into Sunday school mode, but I haven't. Because within the realization that God knows you better than you know yourself lies a key to overcoming a significant weakness of the INTP personality.

Jesus did not say the greatest commandment is "Know Thyself." (That's not even from the Bible, in case anyone was confused, and it predates the Latin version -referenced for example in The Matrix- being from an ancient Greek sage whose precise identity is unknown. See! That's what we do. That's a miniature example of what I'm talking about at the beginning.)

Jesus did say, however, that we were to love God, love others, and make disciples of all nations. The Bible is essentially a primer, compiled across various authors, genres, and centuries, that tells you who God is, and what He wants us to do in this life. So:

A. God knows us better than we know ourselves
B. He commands us not first to know ourselves, but to know and love Him, and love others
C. In following His commands, we will in the process find the fulfillment we sought in wanting to be known.

This is true for a reason I mentioned in a previous post. INTPs often play by the rules of reasonableness and logic, but aren't aware that there are social rules which aren't in the guidebook that came with our personality. The same is true of Scripture: God doesn't answer us according to the varying ways we seek fulfillment (ways that differ by personality type, among other things), He commands us according to our nature, and as we follow Him we find our fulfillment.

In our tight circle of logic, we come to the end of ourselves. In following what seems natural and instinctive for our personality, we eventually run into a dead end, because Eastern philosophy is wrong, the answers are not inside us, the answers come in following the God who created us and knows how we "tick," and knows that what while we have X, and Y, and are naturally (and logically, but based on our limited information) seeking Z to fulfill ourselves, what we actually need is Blue, or 2, or Circle. We need something from outside ourselves, something we couldn't arrive at or guess through our own efforts, even the powerful analytical and intuitive efforts of which INTPs are so capable.

So when we stop trying to find fulfillment through being understood, and depend on God to love Himself and love people (not something we can succeed in doing by trying under our own power), we find several things happen:

1. We stop caring so much about being understood, about receiving the understanding of others, yet discover our drive to understand can aid us greatly in serving God. Our personality comes from God too, and is a gift from Him to serve Him in our particular way; it is only the defects that are from sin. Solving the defects cannot be done by means of the particularities of our personality but by turning to the God from whom our personality is derived.

And actually when under conviction, we find that being understood is terrifying: the truth is far worse than we feared. We wish God might not know us so closely, see weaknesses and evil we haven't even uncovered yet. The bad news is that we are perfectly known by infinite Goodness, and that damns us to hell because we are not Good. The good news is that there is one man, Christ, who is Good, because He is God who is Good, and if we ally ourselves with Him, His goodness will count for us too.

2. The trap of introspection grows weaker the more time we spend outwardly focused. The melancholia, self doubt, and recursively negative introspection that often accompany the INTP personality type are difficult to shake because they trap us into trying to get to the end of them, whereas they are actually endless. I tried for years; it ended in total despair, and damage to my psyche or whatever that part of me should be called which I'm still recovering from now. Simply having your mind fully occupied with something that doesn't leave you processing cycles to get sucked back into the Darkening Corridor may only be a temporary solution (sometimes temporary relief is enough), but the more you do it, the more you'll find your mind can stay in the sun.

3. When the black hole of nihilism is filled with God's infinity, it overflows. That God's love is infinite rolls off the tongue nicely in a praise song, but think about what we're saying. There is a black hole at the center of our being, that abyss into which unredeemed men dare not look, from which they distract themselves with everything from TV to building empires. When we surrender to God and enter His kingdom, that hole of endless Nothing becomes filled with Himself, and He is more Something than the Nothing is Nothing. He can overcome it, He can fill the black hole up, break back across the event horizon, and pour out into the universe unstoppably. That's what He does in our souls.

What is the opposite of a black hole?

The transformation can be even more obvious in an INTP because we feel the gravitational pull of that black hole very strongly. We construct our vast and sturdy array of logic to withstand it, and logic is very strong. It is the wisdom from which the world was created. But one tiny error, one imperfection, -inevitable, due to our humanity- and the weak link will begin a chain of failures, the girders of reason warping under the strain, and the whole thing comes crashing down like a house of cards. It can be rebuilt in our minds over and over; we are made in the image of God. But it is never sufficient.

Christ does not withstand the black hole's gravity with His strength, He fills it up. It stops sucking in the light and begins flowing forth with it, becomes an every-dimensional fountain, like our souls do when filled with Him. We are changed; the dry stubble of our souls becomes the bush in the desert- a vessel for the holy fire which though it burns does not consume, but brings life. Embrace God, and surrender to Him. If you struggle with the inner darkness, ask the Light of the World for help. And to those caught in the icy shroud of depression He can send His holy fire. He did it for me. The solution to the deepest and darkest problems of the INTP soul is not a perfect syllogism, but the very presence of God.

And so was the plight of man for generations.
Their souls remained frozen.
Enslaved in darkness.
Until the day that fire fell from Heaven.

"Fire Made Flesh" - Becoming the Archetype

INTPs and Music

(This is Part 2 in my current series on INTPs and Christian ministry. Go here for Part 1.)

Intro (Important)

In some ways it's difficult to even write about music for me, rather like a bird trying to write about air density. I can't speak for all INTPs, but I suspect we have much of what I will share in common.

1. I should note here at the beginning that when I say "music" I mean 1) the music itself. Lyrics are another thing, which I'll mention if relevant. Depending on the song, they might "join with" the music to produce the effects I'll describe later, or they may stand apart from and be separable from it. 2) Not: this artist and that artist. To me that's like thinking about auto parts primarily according to which company makes them versus what they do in your car. ("I need to repair something on my car." "Ok, do you want a Nissan part, or a Honda part, or..?")

2. Another very important fact starting out is that INTPs, stereotyped as creatures of soulless (and tactless) logic, experience what I'd call the "revenge of the feelings." We don't "speak the language of emotion" well at all. (Being a guy this is more or less expected; I imagine it's more difficult for women) That's great when dispassionately analyzing something, or when having an argument where you find it easy to stay icy cool and the other person gets all blustery. But when the feelings do pop up, whether positive or negative, they tend to surge strongly and unstably and we don't know what to do with them. (This theory suggests that's the norm for INTPs, and that one of the reasons we're so skilled at rational thinking is that we had to become so, to reign in our own dialed-too-high emotions. The description is a little more exaggerated than my personal experience but some good stuff over there) INTPs can get a bit odd during these times. It's like we're intensely focused on reading an eyechart and then someone throws a bucket of blue paint on it. "T... Q... P... Blue. Blue. Blue? Blue!? *sigh* Blue... Blue everything."

As linked above, the INTPexperience website posits that it's not that we're robots
it's that we feel things too strongly and have to learn how to keep control with reason
It's an interesting chicken-and-egg problem, at least

So when I talk about "feelings" in this post, understand that's where we're coming from. Not because we're delicate snowflakes, but because finding quick and effective ways of dealing with unpredictable, disruptive feelings is an important issue for INTPs, and Music is probably our primary ally in this struggle.

Music: Some Personal Background

For INTPs, including myself, music is much more than just "something to listen to," something to provide a low level of mental stimulation to help alleviate boredom. (Even less is it primarily a background track for me to express myself by singing over) Rather, music itself and the act/process of listening to it is a primary and necessary means of self-expression. Sometimes it feels inseparable from the act of being conscious of the persistence of my own existence.

Thanks to parents who had me take lessons, I have played piano since childhood (I can read music, but rely more on my natural ability to play by ear). I actually play rather poorly, because I am doing too many things at any given time in my life to devote a lot of time to practicing. (And I tend to move on when I have a certain song down about 90%, which doesn't work when playing for other people) I realized years ago, however, that there was a strange paradox in my piano abilities. Ask me to play in a church service next Sunday for people to sing along and I will break out in cold sweat. I can possibly get through it without any mistakes, but it's extremely mentally taxing and requires disproportionate amounts of practicing beforehand. That kind of playing comes from a different place in my brain, one that is not very skilled. I can and have improved it by practice in the past, but the stress involved is worse than that of public speaking.

On the other hand, if I am improvising, I could go for half an hour regardless of whoever might be listening, easily weaving in chunks of those songs I am all but unable to perform "as written" if ordered to. Indeed, much of my problem with trying to perform music from rote memory is that my brain is constantly trying to be in improvisation mode instead, so it's almost impossible to just play what's on the sheet, which is what most people want from a non-professional musician. It seems that music performed as "rote" is weirdly difficult and stressful for me, like pushing against a mental block, but music that flows out naturally is not stressful at all, and people do seem to enjoy listening to the result.

Moving to Taiwan this time, I found myself initially living for several months without a piano. This was very difficult, because it meant one of my primary (as an INTP, there aren't many) means of emotional catharsis was denied to me. Yes I could listen to music, but I needed an outlet, a way to draw out the turbulence building inside as the pressure of a host of new cultural and social experiences mounted. Some people have very natural ways to let out this kind of emotional stress, but INTPs are not so fortunate, we need aids of some kind. When I recognize my emotional state is becoming noticeably disordered, sometimes I need to go hide and play whatever comes into my head for an hour, and though I don't understand how the process works, by the end I feel better. It's the musical equivalent of walking it off.

Now I am sure there are INTPs much more disciplined than me who have spent the necessary time to better train themselves to pour their musical self-expression into songs they have memorized and play according to the sheet. (Though it does seem the "too many irons in the fire to focus on one" problem is pretty common for INTPs)

But in general I am given to understand that a peculiarity of INTPs is that for us music is not something primarily external but reflective of our own inner emotional state. It's a means of sympathetically connecting with our own isolated Fe, perhaps because it entirely skips over the "does not compute" roadblock that INTPs encounter when trying to process their emotions and simply accesses those emotions directly. It is perhaps rather like someone asking an awkward person who actually does want/need to be hugged if they want a hug: if it depends on them, due to their awkwardness the hug is not likely to happen even though they want it, whereas just hugging them proactively would solve the problem.

Music itself does not ask permission to do what it does, it just rushes through the subterranean tunnels of our auditory nerves and pops up into the otherwise-heavily-guarded innermost parts of our minds and hugs us (or encourages us, or motivates us, or irritates us, or sedates us, or yells "on your feet, boy!" like a drill sergeant, or dances us down wet city streets under luminescent globes of multicolored light, or lures us out to bleak paths of monochromic solitude) without asking. That's the delight and beauty and usefulness and danger of it.

In case you were worried, yes I did solve my piano problem

"Existential resonance" and the Usefulness of Music

Music is a vital part of self expression for a INTP, but it's more than that, and I don't mean that in a "music is totally a huge part of my life" way. Our relationship with music is two-fold: we use music as a tool to efficiently manipulate or regulate our emotional/mental state, and also to reflect or express it, as a means to embody those difficult-to-analyze feelings so we can get a better look at them.

For example, we might wonder how to explain, say, "What it felt like on Monday morning at 7:10AM when I went out to my car and after several days of rain the air had been washed clean and now the morning sky was perfectly blue and I was aware of the rush of a sensation that an eternity of potential lay ahead into which I was constantly moving and for a moment I felt deeply alive and joyful at being so" using human language. A smell-memory might come close, but those tend to be narrower in scope. One is left using words to describe it, as I just have, and hope to evoke similar emotions in someone else. A good painting or well-taken photo might be able to do it as well, though visual art tends to be even more subjective.

But for me, the song Cyberbird is what represents and evokes that complicated and very specific emotional state fairly precisely. So if I perceive on a given day that I am feeling lethargic and melancholy and would benefit from feeling more like what that song represents for me, I might listen to that track. (If you follow the link you'll notice that the song is not in English. That's more or less irrelevant for what I'm describing, if anything it helps; lyrics you understand can be distracting. [Question for INTPs: Do you find yourself often listening to music with lyrics in languages you don't understand? That's never bothered me] Also, recognize that watching the video will influence the impression you get from the song, but listening to the song alone, you might be able to get a little of the impression I described)

This is what I mean by music being "useful" for INTPs. We use it music in an intentional way to achieve desired emotional states, and I am willing to bet good money that every INTP with access to the internet has a rich and complex mental -and probably also digital- set of playlists of songs which apply to different situations and can be used to push emotions in the desired direction. (For my readers: I would actually really like to hear some examples of what yours are, if you would be kind enough to share them below)

Of course everyone does this to some extent; there's a reason we have "workout mixes" or "pop hits from the X'ies." We all know music can evoke certain feelings in us; INTPs have just gotten this phenomenon down to a science and turned it up to 11, as it were. Rather than "energetic" or "calm" I have certain tracks for "that comfortable feeling of mental alacrity after sundown" or "pivoting away from melancholia to the warmth of a lonely sun-washed beach in a place I've never been before" or "wandering Taipei at night between the time the restaurants close and the subway stops running" I doubt we're the only ones who do this, but it seems consistent across the personality type.

In manipulating your own mental state you can only force it so far, of course; there has to be correspondence/resonance with your external state to achieve the desired effect on the internal state. So, say, I want to feel less sorrowful about something bad that has happened but it's a rainy night and no friends are available to talk to. Certain jazz tracks work perfectly for this, because they mesh perfectly with the current "noir-ish" external state but jazz tends to shortcircuit sorrowful feelings for me because it doesn't resolve, just like the sorrow is like a failure of life to "resolve" successfully, so there is catharsis.

I may still be sad about what happened -I may even want to be, as sadness is an appropriate and healthy response to tragedy- but my mood will have leveled out some, the overwhelming "spike" that INTPs experience blunted. It's too much of a stretch to try to feel "happy" immediately, but hey, I'm an INTP so I don't expect that anyway. After a couple of the right tracks (I know more or less which ones I'd play) I'll probably feel balanced and regain my mental equanimity. If I'm feeling inventive or the situation calls for it, I can carefully work my way from one emotion to a very opposite one with the right playlist.

Music is not merely about our mood or mental state, however, but provides a kind of window even deeper into the nature of being and reality. Perhaps the closest an INTP comes to experiencing timeless joy outside of the overwhelming presence of God Himself is when both of those processes -music influencing our mental state and also embodying it for us- fuse together and provide a sort of existential resonance, where the music perfectly syncs up with reality as we experience it and becomes the language, or perhaps the reflected shadow of the language, in which the persistence of our being is written.

In a sense it is like, maybe, how we are rarely aware of the existence of air around us, and may have trouble conceiving of ourselves as constantly living, moving through, and breathing a mix of gases (not so hard to recognize in Taiwan, thanks to super-humidity). But when a breeze is blowing just right, you can feel the air moving around you. Music is like that. Music captures passage through time in a form you can hear, but experience more deeply than that, so you are aware of time flowing around the fact of your continued existence, like a fixed needle testifies to the persistent existence of a turning record on the turntable by the ongoing stream of music it produces.

As a limited example of the experiential side to this, it might be helpful to think of a movie. While it would be silly to suggest the characters in the film could hear the soundtrack itself (that's what we call "breaking the fourth wall"), as the audience we experience the film holistically, and the music is an integral part of what's happening, maybe even subconsciously. (We "notice" the music but we don't usually give active thought to it when our attention is engaged by the film, it's just "persuading" us to feel a certain way about what we're watching happen)

For me, life is experienced both as an active participant and on (at least a couple) higher levels of mental abstraction as a spectator, so when I actively choose to listen to a given song at a given time, to some degree I'm intentionally providing a soundtrack for the movie of my life that I'm also watching. There are times when I start to listen to a song and think "no, this doesn't work for Now," (using our analogy, it isn't the right soundtrack for this part of the movie) and I change it. But "Now" really represents both my external state (experienced weather, time of day, what I'm doing, location, what I can see around me, etc) and my internal state (excited, weary, ticked off, depressed...), and when chosen properly, music can become the perfect expression of the ongoing interaction between the internal and external states.

Music and Ministry for INTPs

So after all this you may be wondering where the ministry connection might be. (Actually if you are an INTP you may have been wholly occupied in comparing and contrasting my own perspective on music to your own and developing a potential explanation for the source of any discrepancies)

I hope the ramifications of what we discussed above are pretty obvious as pertains to our personal lives, which are intimately and inextricably linked to any ministry we set out to do. Of course, music may play a more direct role in your ministry as well. Either way, there are several applications for believers, and for those of us in ministry or considering it:

1. Filter. The first point is simple; anything which affects us so deeply, which grabs and holds our attention as spiritual beings and even resonates with ongoing reality as we experience it, is something that as believers we have to be careful about.
All music contains implicit propositions, assertions made by the form of its composition, and we need to be aware of what they're suggesting to our minds. This is entirely apart from the explicit propositions made by lyrics which may be present. Both are important, and both need to be payed attention to, as there is a cost to letting in too much unhealthy content- GIGO: Garbage in, Garbage out, as they taught us in computer engineering school.
I am going to guess that most Christian INTPs don't have problems with listening to all different kinds of music; we're curious, have very wide-ranging interests, and are mostly cognizant of the message of what we're listening to, and can make the distinction. But while I personally would never presume to do the job that Paul clearly leaves up to us as individual Christians with our own discernment about what is profitable and right according to our own consciences, it's obvious that we can't be prideful either; there are limits to how effectively the human mind can block influences when we choose to immerse ourselves in them. We are probably not as immune as we imagine ourselves to be. I'm merely advising caution.


2A. Observe your tendencies. Since INTPs often listen to music which reflects their internal state, the music you find yourself drawn to is a reasonably helpful indicator of your spiritual state as well. So while there is a lot of music that is more or less "neutral," (How do you categorize the Blue Man Group?) if you never find yourself naturally drawn to praise or worship music, songs that explicitly honor God, it doesn't mean you're an apostate, but it might be something to consider, a reminder to reexamine yourself spiritually.
I certainly have songs that remind me of scriptural truths and attributes of God that it's safe to say the writer/composer never intended, but to make these the entirety of one's spiritual music diet would be like only reading books about scripture and never scripture itself.

2B. Instruct your habits. By the same token, since music affects us as spiritual creatures and INTPs have often mastered the art of selecting music based on how it affects them, it only makes sense (indeed, in some sense it is our spiritual duty) to intentionally fill some of our music consumption time with music that points us to God. If we can lift our mood from ourselves to consider Christ and the nature of the God we serve and love by listening to music composed for that purpose, we certainly should be making a habit of it. I am guilty of not always being as intentional about this as I should.

3. Let the Music Testify. If we consider ourselves to be more aware than most of the power of music, we should be making full use of it as we serve God in our ministries. It's easy to see how much the right music changes the mood of an event, and so we might put more effort into doing this intentionally. Lots of people know there should be music of some kind, but I suspect few will have put as much thought into what music might suit a particular situation as INTPs will often have. (Note: Just don't be surprised or offended if ministry coworkers reject your suggestions and put on whatever music they always do because they personally like the familiarity of it and aren't thinking in terms of what mood it might or might not give to the event as perceived by those attending. Not everyone thinks in those terms. Just be patient and be willing to accept the fact that your choices might indeed not give everyone else the impression they give you personally.)

Some might ask, isn't choosing music to produce a desired mood "brain-washing" or "emotional manipulation"? It all depends on your motive. Are you trying to trick someone into doing something they wouldn't normally do? Do you believe anyone can be convinced into truly accepting the gospel simply by you creating the right atmosphere? I hope not. Yes some churches do intentionally try to use music for emotional manipulation, sadly, and all I can say is either they are foolish to think they can use man's intelligence to use tricks to accomplish what only the power of God can, or else they are wolves in sheep's clothing whose punishment will be justifiably severe.

But I certainly don't think inviting someone to your home to share the gospel with them means you have to serve bad-tasting food for fear that delicious food would be a kind of manipulation. Good music is something we enjoy as the Church. Martin Luther reportedly asked why the devil should have all the good music, and I am pleased to report that he does not, even in what some like to call his particular style of music. And much of the world's good music came out of Christianity one way or another, so there's no reason not to use it as a testimony. So bring on the pipe organs of cathedrals and the cute kids with plastic ukuleles and everything in between, and let them hear our God is worthy to be praised with skillfully played music.
(Yes, Christian pop radio stations, I said skillfully played)

About those plastic ukuleles... I was speaking from experience.

Summary

Music is a powerful drug, they say. In that context, INTPs are like pharmacists, who can self-administer with the right medications and doses to keep a healthy mental state. The "dark side" of this would be INTPs who purposefully misuse those drugs. You can mess yourself up with music too. But be aware of the power and potential of music, and it can not only transport you to other worlds, but anchor you more firmly in this one and redirect your gaze from the trap of endless introspection outward to reality as it passes by, moment by moment, opportunity by opportunity, the only place where we can serve God and proclaim His gospel.

An INTP on the Mission Field: INTP Tips for Ministry Part 1

Well I haven't done an INTP-specific update in a while, so this should be fun.

For the next few posts I want to talk about some things I've learned as an INTP on the mission field. The lessons will apply more or less to anyone else too, of course, but if I seem to be really emphasizing things you don't feel are important, or skipping past things that seem vital, that would be why.

I do this partially because I've come to realize that there isn't a lot of material out there directed towards INTPs in ministry. Perhaps it's not a huge demographic; we're very much not people-people. As Quiet author Susan Cain pointed out, in modern churches we are often passed over for church ministry in favor of those with more enthusiastic temperaments.

It must be mentioned, however, that the problem is not necessarily a wave of INTP volunteers being turned down. We are not the most assertive bunch, and are all too likely to analyze the problems we can observe in a system (that system possibly being our local church) without having the social confidence or desire to work through a messy, people-oriented solution, which is typically the only available route to take in a local church context.

So I want to provide some tools or suggestions for INTPs who are interested in ministry, with hopes that a feeling of mental preparation will be conducive to some boldness in volunteering for the exhausting but Christ-mandated task of loving and serving God and people in this world, and even all the unreasonable people in it, which of course includes ourselves as well, if we're honest.

Where I Serve:
With regards to my own experience over the past 18 months, as an INTP doing full-time cross-cultural ministry, I feel very blessed in that Taiwan is not the hardest place to be an INTP.

1.  It's a place you can actually "be" in your field. Yes you will be a lifelong guest, no you will never "fit in," unless you are ethnically Chinese and successfully embrace a local identity, but at least you can actually establish a life here. Some career missionaries choose to retire here, for example, which would be more or less impossible in a lot of missions focus areas. It's not the same as those fields that require living on a compound and taking little trips "into the culture," guided by locals without whom you would be lost, a situation which does not at all allow for an INTP's insatiable curiosity to be appropriately fed by immersion in the new culture/situation.

2. It's a more introvert-friendly culture. I've blogged on this in the past. I didn't immediately realize why Taiwan "clicked" with me as a culture, but over the past couple of years I've realized it may have partially been that I subconsciously recognized the marks of a more introverted culture: attention to detail, appreciation of silence and peace, lots of people reading in public, etc. Sure, you have super extroverts here too, and yes, a hot, noisy, brightly-lit restaurant or night market packed with two hundred people shouting over each other can be a daunting prospect even on a non-socially-exhausted evening, but go around the corner or up the little stairs and you'll find a nearly silent bookshop or cafe full of people reading. (Reading physical books! Interestingly, despite everyone from kids to grandparents carrying high-powered smartphones, ebooks are not popular here)

Maybe it's just me. A lot of spaces here seem to have the "by introverts, for introverts" vibe

3. It's a non-stop learning situation. Taiwan is not so much a "ok, newbie, here's how things work here" culture. In fact rather the opposite; people's attempts to explain to you "how Taiwan is" may leave you scratching your head, because the last person to explain that exact same thing told you very differently. Essentially, it's a steep learning curve that never ends and only begins to taper after years of being here. Overwhelming and off-putting to some, but a gloriously stimulating situation for INTPs. (As long as we can get away and process.)
Due to Taiwan's complicated history with waves of migration, mountainous geography (leading to less homogenization of culture), and being a free and somewhat progressive democracy, there is much less of the "the nail that sticks out gets hammered down" phenomenon that one thinks of when generalizing Asian culture. It's true that the culture also does not demand that every student be a special and unique nail that sticks out, and would frown upon the notion, but by the same token, there is the feeling that everyone, at least every family, could have something to contribute, and society would be less rich and less bountiful if that was lost. And that's not even counting the enthusiasm for embracing outside ideas.

This leads to a veritable cornucopia of never-ending detail and variety. It's almost a tease: the desire of INTPs to achieve a comprehensive and predictive mental model of the system is frustrated by the sheer amount of systems stacked on top of each other. I haven't even started to gather enough information to put all the pieces together, and may never be able to.

All that being said, my first tip for INTPs doing ministry is one that contradicts the introspection and contemplation we naturally isolate ourselves to conduct. (It will, however, help in data accumulation):

INTP Tips for Cross-Cultural Ministry - Part 1:
Push Yourself to Find Friends who will Push You

Luxuries that missionaries (believers?) don't have...

An INTP naturally enjoys levels of isolation greater than the average person could handle. Being "alone with one's thoughts" is a fully engaging and stimulating situation for us. (That doesn't even count the existence of the internet, into which I'm convinced many INTPs could happily sink most of their life and not notice that much was missing, another danger to avoid)
Thus, it's easy to gravitate towards a low level of social interaction and stay comfortably there. And while a look at Christ's life reveals there is certainly spiritual value in silence and solitary meditation and prayer, most evangelical ministry inherently requires an amount of social commitment (as Christ's life also did. His balancing of these is our example to follow.). For cross-cultural ministry this is even more true. Culture = people, and to do something cross-culturally requires spending time with those people from another culture. So, put succinctly, a missionary's work is People. An inherently exhausting task, for me at least, but an utterly worthwhile one, since it's for the Kingdom of God.

What this means by extension, however, is that my desire to, perhaps, disappear for a week or so and finish my novel, (which would probably mean many hours of reading and fewer actual hours of writing), is something I'm simply not able to indulge. And if I find that I am able to indulge it, it means I have chosen a path of too much introverted comfort. I'm not pushing myself, and I may need to find some people who will.

This isn't business as usual; people are dying without saving knowledge of Christ. A truth about the gospel that very much meshes with the INTP outlook on life is this: we can't save anyone, or force them to make a decision; only God can open someone's heart, and draw people to Himself. But, something we can do is to make sure people hear the gospel communicated clearly. It is my desire that no one in Taiwan who hears the gospel from me will find it incomprehensible because I communicated it in a way that was culturally opaque, or not in accordance with the reality of their own life, and my hope that along the way I may discover insights which will benefit others trying to do gospel work here as well. So I observe and study Taiwanese culture and try to grasp a local worldview as much as possible, so that when I share the gospel, the stumbling block will be Christ Crucified, not an American way of explaining that makes no sense to people looking at the world from a very different angle. (And, I argue, increasingly less sense to most Americans either.)

The other side to this is that for INTPs, getting out of the house, or apartment, or wherever we consider the bounds of our little residence zone to lie, is a fairly big step. That sounds ridiculous to some people, so here's an analogy:

For INTPs, our entire adult lives are like waking up to a frosty winter morning in a house with a tile floor. The bed -our introverted comfort zone- is warm and comfortable, while the air is cold and the floor is freezing. (Music can be like warm slippers we can put on first, but more on that in a later post)

Yes, we have to leave it every day (typically), but getting out of bed -getting out of our comfort zone to go engage the world and meet people- involves that extra amount of reluctance to overcome, that bracing of effort to put your feet down on the freezing floor and get over that discomfort. When there's no pressing need, like keeping our job, we are just as happy living in the rich inner world inside our own minds.

Now you might be thinking/scoffing "Sheesh, get over yourself and just go do it." That may be valid, and something INTPs need to hear sometimes. But 1) we all have things we are reluctant to do. Maybe you are someone who leaps energetically from bed at the crack of dawn and looks forward to a packed day of social engagements, but I am not convinced there aren't other tasks, perhaps involving silence or isolation, that you won't balk at and delay if possible. And 2) that's precisely what I'm saying in this section. We need to get out there and do more, it's good for us as people, let alone necessary for productive ministry.
Now criticism is not a good way to accomplish this (for an INTP that's an invitation to battle, one we can typically "win" and thus lose), but invitations that are open-ended yet suggest our presence would be missed are a very good way. (Just the suggestion that my presence would be missed can brighten my day more than I like to admit, probably due to the fact that my subconscious is more or less continually telling me this isn't the case)

So, just as the kind of people who are easily influenced by the people around them have a greater need to pick their friends carefully, INTPs have a greater need to find friends who can proactively get them to do things. "Get out of your house, we're going hiking" is actually an invitation I'm quite happy to accept. It's an experience I will enjoy that I'd probably never have begun on my own initiative, or would have taken weeks to finally get around to doing. That's one of the single most frustrating things about the INTP temperament, in my opinion. We often greatly enjoy the things we get invited or even dragged into doing, but we seem to lack some kind of positive energy that would result in us doing them on our own initiative.

The problem is that we have trouble ever leaving this state
without outside intervention. Our default mode is introspection.

In order to balance this weakness, we need those friends who will seek us out, or who are aware of our potential for being too solitary and help us manage it. For missionaries, these friends could be of various kinds: friendships with local people -valuable for cross-cultural missionaries to cultivate for a plethora of reasons- expat friends, or other missionaries, though I think it's obviously best not to confine your socializing to other missionaries if your context doesn't restrict you to that. If you aren't out doing things with people on a regular basis,you are not engaging in the life-to-life interactions that result in Godly edification and chances for the Spirit to work through you in the lives of other people. What I'm describing here is a holistic approach to missions: you are not just employed at task A, you are a believer God has placed in a certain context. There is no clocking in and clocking out on being salt and light. I am convinced this is true of all believers, not just those called to be cross-cultural missionaries. If all your socializing is inside a church context, you're hiding your light under a bushel.

Now, it may be that your ministry doesn't even allow for the possibility of being a hermit; you are constantly immersed in ministry and exhausted by a steady stream of people with no obvious chance of escape. For an INTP, this is a dangerous situation which easily leads to burnout. Yes it's a weakness to be so easily overcome with social exhaustion compared to other people, but so is overconfidence or a tendency to lose one's temper. To some extent we can't help the weaknesses that come with our personalities, and there is certainly no benefit to ignoring them, but we can take steps to mitigate the damage.

I often compare myself to a machine with insufficient cooling mechanisms, like a motherboard with too few heat sinks. My temperature goes up too quickly under a heavy social load, and it takes me longer to cool down. I don't like that it's true, but it is, so I have to do my best to counteract that weakness in order to better serve the cause of Christ. In America I succeeded in building up my "social endurance" quite a bit, now in a new culture and very different context (and speaking a second language often considered one of the hardest to learn in the world, though personally I disagree with that assessment) I must endeavor to do the same. It's not easy, but with Christian brothers and sisters being decapitated in the Middle East as I write this, I would feel ashamed to suggest I've been asked to do anything especially difficult.

A Note on Burnout: If burnout really does seem imminent, there's no point in wasting time in recovery if it could be prevented. Sometimes we need to take five. However, INTPs are not good at expressing their needs and negotiating a solution because we overcommunicate and also seek perfect solutions.  So when stuck in a burnout situation, especially if other team members have more people-oriented personalities and don't understand, it may be wiser to explain the situation to someone empathetic enough to grasp the problem and have them explain it to the relevant people on your behalf.

Part 1 Summary

We have seen that INTPs have a tendency to default to solitude, and being introverts they will have varying but ultimately limited abilities to cope with social time burdens, because regardless of how friendly and cheerful they may be, they are drained by them and need alone time to recover.

We have also seen that one method to avoid this, and therefore a responsibility of INTPs in cross-cultural missions (or really any INTP believers, I'd argue), is to seek out and befriend people who will help keep them engaged and not let them isolate themselves in their preferred thought-cocoon for excessive periods of time. This may not always be an option, but it should be a goal for every INTP ministering in an unfamiliar context (perhaps in familiar contexts too). I am making it my goal is well, having to this point only imperfectly followed my own advice.

Burnout, a danger for introverts forced to the point of social exhaustion for too long, can be mitigated as a risk by effective communication with the rest of your team and balancing your social obligations if possible. One can also seek to improve one's social endurance, training to increase it like any other form of endurance.


NEXT ENTRY (Coming Soon): INTPs and Music